We write letters for many different reasons; in thanks, to share joys,
to commiserate in sorrows, to simply share experiences. This is a letter of
gratitude, appreciation and mutual respect, and I couldn't find a better way to express the following sentiments.
To my body,
In over thirty years together we have shared some extraordinary things,
yet rarely have I thanked you or even acknowledged your continued marvelousness.
Your efficiency in running the fundamental day to day activities that I largely
take for granted (breathing, walking, speaking, thinking) is magnificent, and your
ability to rise to a challenge is amazing. Together we need to hone that
ability further.
We've
been through some fights already you and I. Physical, mental and emotional.
Physically we've climbed mountains all over the world, we've slogged our way
around the London marathon, completed several triathlons, numerous half
marathons in the UK and Kenya, and we regularly take on the Shropshire hills
burdened with children, sling, backpack, dog etc.
I'd
like to think I've kept you in good nick. It's mostly been a respectful
relationship. I consciously put you under duress to make you stronger. I test,
then rest, your legs and lungs weekly during Park Run, elongate your muscle
fibres in a quest for flexibility during hot yoga. Mentally, I aim to stay
sharp and keep learning. Give
me a problem to task my brain, and I will relish it (preferably a verbal one as
numbers are not my forte). We now meditate daily, pray sometimes, I write to
express my emotions. Basically I try and do what I can to keep fit and healthy.
Training
and preparation are key to mental and physical strength. Evidence proves that diet
and exercise increase endurance, enhance focus, reduce fat and flab, build
muscle tone. I love our partnership. I’m not ashamed to admit I like you, my
body, to look good. There have doubtless been times when I’ve whinged about
extra inches on my stomach and thighs, or a lack thereof around my upper chest.
But broadly speaking I’ve been happy. If I’ve been discontent, I’ve acted on it,
and you, my body, have responded. Look good, feel good. A positive and
symbiotic relationship.
Of
course there have been a few issues over the years. Liver and kidneys I am
sorry for how I treated you at university and occasionally since. I fully
accept that Jagerbombs and Smirnoff ice are not the fuels of champions. But
you've survived and coped admirably. Thank goodness the liver regenerates and
regrows when treated respectfully.
When asked to respond to the primeval urge to reproduce, you
kicked-started the processes and organs that had remained dormant for much of my
life. The miracle of pregnancy. And what a miracle it is. In this respect I
have been exceptionally blessed.
Of course you grumbled at times, the extra weight grated on my pelvis
girdle, small spidery explosions appeared on my legs like dark snowflakes,
evidence of the pressures within as new blood fills the system long before the
world can see any obvious physical swelling of the belly. All this you did with
only minimal fuss and fanfare.
Birthing too, a source of much angst for every new mother was relatively
uncomplicated. I consciously exercised the mind to inspire emotional calm, you
delivered the physical goods. An intense, primordial experience for which there
can be no equal. You did that twice. Two children carried without consequence,
born at home, fed from my own milk. If this was all I had to be grateful for,
this would be cause enough for ecstatic celebration.
And so we stand on the precipice of yet more challenges.
These challenges are not of my choosing, nor yours. Unlike completing a
sporting event, there was no training physical or mental for the emergency
surgery and for what has now followed. That felt like a cursed lightning bolt
to the abdomen, electrical shocks felt throughout the body. Flesh literally
torn apart, inners assaulted, cut, handled, rearranged, sewn and glued back
together. Brutal but absolutely necessary. Literally life-and-death.
I am sorry
I didn’t listen sooner to your gentle yet foreboding peristaltic spasms in preceding months.
Your warnings were too quiet for one who has been through birth and has the
permanent distractions of toddlers. It was all too easy to ignore.
You have recovered from surgery well, for that I am grateful. The scar
is healed, the intestines have finished their spasmodic protestations and
settled back into a new rhythm, albeit with a different physical conclusion at my
stoma. A swift return to physical mobility has allowed me to be an active mum
again, one who can lift her own children, roll around with them and be present
in their lives.
Since the operation we have braved further explorations and
investigations by clinicians as we prepare for the feast ahead. Today was
simply (hopefully) the last of these appetisers before the main event. The
Hickman line. Where my arms failed to provide veins of a sufficient girth to
accommodate a PICC line, my neck has succeeded. Wires now protrude from my neck and left
breastbone in readiness for chemo, an odd balance and symmetry to the stoma and
bag on the lower half of my torso.
Artificial openings into the body are in place. We are ready, or as
ready as we will ever be for the toxins to come. Let them come.
I have been reading up, others have shared their wisdom and advice too.
The supply chain of wondrous supporters both local and remote is poised ready
with nutritious goodies to help us out. Food for the body and the mind. Organic
meals, supplements of turmeric and ginger, vitamins to nourish your bodily systems.
To enable you to recover, to empower you to fight back and to overcome.
I promise to do my best to eat well, however little I want to. I will
adhere to the practical insights of chemo survivors. Above all I will endeavour to keep
warm. Peripheral neuropathy, in which the nerves at the extremities of the
body, fingers and toes, are attacked is very common with my type of chemo,
oxaliplatin. Extreme sensitivity to temperature, hot and cold exacerbates this.
At its worst permanently debilitating; pain walking, an inability to perform
simple dexterous functions (buttons, zips, tights), hopefully temporary, but
not for all. Of this I am most afraid. But this is a risk we must take
together.
Beyond this I promise to moisturise, to treat the body with respect,
listen to the mind, rest, breathe, exercise when I can. All this I will do for you, but the bits I
cannot see you must do alone.
For you are ultimately a mystery to me. My elementary understanding of
biological functions does not permit me to comprehend exactly what wars you are
waging within. I cannot see and may never know which cells, inflammatory
markers, growth factors, antibodies are in play over the coming weeks. As you
articulate and express symptoms I will perhaps guess at what it going on, but it
will simply be a guess.
Tomorrow we begin. I will be cheering us on from the hippocampus, from
the control centre of the brain. In the words of Kelly Clarkson ‘What doesn't kill you makes you stronger’. Together I hope we can do
this and emerge stronger and healthier. Bring on the champagne.*
Thank you for all you have done and continue to do.
With love,
Kimberley
If you like what you read
please share it or comment. Feedback is my fuel to continue blogging, so thanks
to those of you who engage.
*See my previous blog post ‘Yo yo days’ if the reference to champagne
makes no sense!
Brilliant writing for a challenging time. Good luck tomorrow and there is support just round the corner if you need it (and keeeep writing). Rich.
ReplyDeleteMany thanks Rich x
DeleteThinking of you lots here on equator. In ore of the energy you have being so challenged. Sharing your thoughts and feelings with all of us close & far. Most people would closed the doors, pulled the curtains, turned off the phone & curled up on bed in fear. You are rather amazing. Your family must be so proud of you. Good luck tmrw & the next couple of weeks - cross fingers, toes & hair that you get minimal side effects. Love from Africa & Anja
ReplyDeleteThanks Anja. Really appreciate your support, your kind words...and loved your cow coat too in the video. x
DeleteHi Kimberley,
ReplyDeleteSome time ago I saved this article about chemotherapy that I read in the Guardian just in case I should need it (that sounds morbid but one just never knows). I'm sharing it with you just in case it could be of use, but I'd also understand completely if you don't want to engage with it.
https://www.theguardian.com/society/2016/jun/03/how-to-get-through-chemotherapy-decca-aitkenhead-cancer-treatment
I'm thinking of and rooting for you as you start this phase of your journey.
Ruth (Matthew's sister again) x