tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20620335000657345002024-03-13T13:01:38.010-07:00My take on feeling gratefulAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17638984084499604839noreply@blogger.comBlogger35125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2062033500065734500.post-39532745435674952672018-01-16T08:27:00.002-08:002018-01-16T08:27:42.717-08:00For want of an ending<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">For want of an ending I have delayed this blog post for over
two months. Writing and re-writing </span><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-7i3bLpsuyIA/Wl4nz6NnXLI/AAAAAAABdaY/NCRAsUWlOLs5RGIWuEVPjHlK-_2t8Z80wCLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_4196.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-7i3bLpsuyIA/Wl4nz6NnXLI/AAAAAAABdaY/NCRAsUWlOLs5RGIWuEVPjHlK-_2t8Z80wCLcBGAs/s320/IMG_4196.jpg" width="240" /></a></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">without ever quite reaching a satisfactory
conclusion.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Perhaps I’m being unrealistic, but as a long-term Disney
super-fan, and as a parent currently stuck in the ‘fairytale ending’ era of
bedtime reading, I wanted, and still want to be able to share a proper
ending…ideally a happy one.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">However, it doesn’t feel like I’m quite there yet, at my
‘ending.’ But that’s what I’ve been saying for weeks, procrastinating about
posting for want of a slightly better ending.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">(I should hasten to
add that nothing in the last few months has been particularly ‘unhappy.’ The
trend has generally been upwards. It just hasn’t felt like the end of the story.)<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Yet I’ve coming to the realisation that there is unlikely to
ever be a conclusive end to my story that started just over a year ago. A
complete cure with zero chance of cancer recurrence would be one end of the
scale, the ‘happily ever after’ end. Yet, no clinician in their right mind
would like to stake their reputation on that honestly being the case. Neither
am I minded to contemplate the other end of the scale.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">So, I am stuck in this place of semi-endings. There is no obvious
‘happily ever after,’ no definitive full-stop moment. I have simply reached the
end of the medical conveyor belt, fallen off the production line and been
returned to the real world. Healthy and seemingly cancer-free.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Barring a quick once-over from my talented surgeon, due at the
end of the month, I have nothing medical scheduled at all. There will (I hope)
be a check-up scan later in the year, but no one has explained when that’s
likely to be, and clearly the NHS don’t want to commit themselves to anything
non-critical right now, especially not months in advance.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Having not written since my operation to reverse my stoma,
some of you are probably wondering how it all went, and what it feels like to
be stoma-free again with those hosepipes of digestive tract now fully
reconnected. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Now, over eight weeks on from surgery, I can tell you that
it feels great. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Initially it didn’t. Major abdominal surgery, even elective
surgery, is rough on the body. Big operation, but thanks to an impressive team
of professionals, it was successful. I feel incredibly fortunate. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I’ve been lucky enough to evade the real horror stories of
perpetual incontinence. Everything is not quite ‘normal’ in terms of how I
remember it, but after spending far too long on colorectal wards being asked
‘whether I have opened my bowels today?’ you’ll be relieved to read that I
can’t quite bring myself to write about or discuss the minutiae of my bowel
habits any more. Suffice to say it’s all fine. Britishly fine.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Naturally, since my surgery I have been impatient. Impatient
to heal, impatient to regain my energy and impatient to feel ‘normal.’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">But it takes time, more time than you’d think, to recover
both physically and psychologically from a stay in the ‘Land of
Beep-Beep-Rave.’ <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Only those who have the
misfortune to experience protracted periods in hospitals will appreciate my
quasi-affectionate nickname for hospitals (originally coined by my sister).</i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Hospitals exist like a world apart. Each thriving and
buzzing metropolis rises and falls to its own unique rhythm. An uninterrupted
cyclical routine of lights on, tea trolley, breakfast, pain relief, consultant
ward rounds, shower time, tea, lunch, medication, visiting time, dinner, more
tea, medication, more visitors, more tea, bed, medication, lights off. As a
visitor, you get a glimpse of this madness punctuated by cups of tea, but only
as a patient or a professional can you begin to understand this unique
environment where the best and worst of humanity is revealed on a daily basis.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">As an inpatient is feels like an incessant soundscape within
which noise and motion seem unending. Machines ‘<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">bleep bleep’</i> with ever increasing urgency, graphic lines of neon
flash across monitor screens, morphine pumps wail like sirens if disturbed, leg
cuffs huff and puff up and down, and healing, hydrating, pain relieving fluids
‘<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">drip drip’</i> methodically from drip
stands on high into countless cannulas, squealing if impeded or occluded.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">There is no rest to be gained in hospitals. Only temporary
relief from the underpinning currency of hospital wards, pain. (Or, if you’re
lucky, simply discomfort). The healthcare professionals team up to wage a daily
battle to cure this collective pain, yet every day the tide of incoming
recruits from A&E and electives to ‘Team Pain’ threatens to overpower the
building, wiping out any small, marginal victories via discharge for the
professionals.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Like some of the world’s largest and most magnificent
creatures, hunted and threatened with extinction, the NHS does a phenomenal job
operating under intense scrutiny and the crushing weight of public expectation.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">But now I am out. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">After the crisis of pain and diagnosis that threw me full
throttle into the crunching mechanisms of Secondary Care, the machine has
whirred and thrummed, churning through the cogs of chemotherapy and the deft
blades of surgery. I have been spat out the other end, reshaped, cleansed and restored
to health and independence, hopefully for a very long time.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">All of this begs the question of ‘what next?’ <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Somehow the phrase ‘<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">She
received a clear scan, opened her bowels and headed home with some gnarly
abdominal scars’</i> doesn’t feel a good enough ending in the face of all that
I have shared with you in the last year or so.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Yet as I write this I’ve realised that all those endings
I’ve considered to be ‘definitive’ simply seem conclusive because I have never
asked what happened next. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Maybe Cinderella and Prince Charming had a miserable time
raising snotty toddlers? Maybe their Chief Guard lead a coup and dethroned them
leaving the Prince and Cinders to struggle finding gainful employment to pay
their childcare bills? Maybe if I pushed myself I could imagine some truly
unusual onwards stories for all my childhood heroes and heroines, princesses
and plucky explorers alike.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">All good stories inevitably involve the resolution of some initial
problem, the overcoming of a physical or psychological hurdle. Yet there is a
reason there are so few successful sequels. Sequels simply entail the
protagonist(s) facing yet another challenge, and overcoming that too, usually via
further growth, sacrifice and life lessons. It’s not quite the same second time
around.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">So, it turns out that my aspiring to an ‘ending’ is foolish.
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Throughout this last year there have been some natural and
obvious waypoints to observe and comment on, not endings per se, but milestones
of a sort; chemotherapy treatments, meetings with consultants, hospital
admissions, operations…and now I’ve run out of pre-determined ones.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Life with almost any ongoing health condition breeds a degree
of dependency. My schedule has been largely dictated by others, my diary filled
to the exclusion of many (but not all) of my own wishes. Only now that has all
stopped.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">It is therefore perhaps unsurprising that I have slightly
forgotten how to make decisions for myself. In fact, if I’m honest, I find
myself a little intimidated by the potential to determine my own destiny again,
a little lost. <span style="color: black; mso-themecolor: text1;">I am knowingly procrastinating,
treading water, biding my time out of fear for the future and trepidation about
what comes next. For there is no one telling me what to do anymore, or where to
be at any given time. </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Clearly you may be staring at your screens with
befuddlement, ‘How could I possibly see this as anything other than a huge
luxury and opportunity?’ But having been robbed of my seemingly God-given rights
of self-determination once, I now feel more cautious and nervous about next
steps. I am also wary of the weight of my own expectations, let alone those of
others.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Nevertheless, it is time to be brave. To stop treading
water, swim to the side of the pool and climb out. To embrace the as-yet
uncarved stone tablet of my future and, perhaps, to bid farewell to this
particular outlet. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Writing in this way has brought me the most tremendous
support and indeed joy through a very tough period. I find myself at a loss to
express my humble gratitude to everyone that has bothered to connect, to
respond, to offer comfort; it has brought me more strength and happiness that I
feel capable of articulating.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">So, let me leave you with the following semi-ending as a
potential pause for thought…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">“With tears of gratitude dancing in her eyes she blew kisses
to her magnificent friends, waved fondly to several incredible clinicians, shut
down her laptop, put on her running shoes and jogged off homewards keen to
embrace fresh adventures, armed with a pen, a curious mind and tremendously
thankful for and humbled by the love and affection of her family and friends.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Who could ask for a better semi-ending than that?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17638984084499604839noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2062033500065734500.post-1990099710863181622017-11-15T22:41:00.002-08:002017-11-15T22:41:57.558-08:00Calm, joy and dinosaur mittens<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div class="MsoNormal">
My first moment of levity, most unexpectedly, involved my
four year old daughter brandishing scissors and asking to do some cutting. It
may seem odd that the sight of a toddler wielding scissors could bring me peace,
yet the other night it did. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
What started out as a large, blank, dark sheet of paper was,
in the space of ten minutes, vigorously and methodically chopped into ever
smaller and smaller snippets of paper. The hacking process only ceased when the
tiny irregular scraps that remained were too small for her to hold. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Cutting done she looked down at the mountain of paper
shards, smiled with mischief in her eyes and blew at them repeatedly like the storybook
wolf who huffed and puffed to blow down the little piggy’s house of straw.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It made one hell of a mess, but (uncharacteristically) I
smiled too (before later getting cross as I tried to instigate tidying up).<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My smile was the result of seeing in her actions a parallel
of my own. At the most basic level she had taken something big and broken it
down to small irrelevancies, much in the mould of chunking up the insurmountable,
proverbial elephant into bitesize chunks.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Since I last wrote I have been able to move forwards from my
intense fear and doubt. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
For me, the act of writing out what is circling in my head
allows me to break down the component thoughts into rational fragments that can
be processed. Once written out openly those big thoughts and questions lose
their power over me, and once sent out into the world at the click of the
button, they are shared and spread…much like those little paper snippings that
covered my kitchen floor.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
With the fear shared and therefore reduced I have felt unexpectedly
light. Free and light. I have felt that ‘devil may care’ and ‘nothing to lose’ sense
of urgency to accomplish whatever I fancy, create and savour positive memories
and have felt increasingly attuned to the joy all around me.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As many of your will know, getting kids to put coats and
shoes on to exit the house in a timely manner is normally a chore, scarves and
gloves add to the complexity, which is usually a cause of great stress and
frustration. But I could not have been more thrilled by the chilly winds
earlier this week.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My son (grudgingly) donned in a ridiculous robot woolly hat
complete with antennae, accompanied <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-lvqYQWT61Z4/Wg0zDjHW9rI/AAAAAAABdY0/WouWEXdB--UwHGJOodX2s6DrOv21W0rtgCLcBGAs/s1600/Screen%2BShot%2B2017-11-16%2Bat%2B06.41.47.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="940" data-original-width="882" height="200" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-lvqYQWT61Z4/Wg0zDjHW9rI/AAAAAAABdY0/WouWEXdB--UwHGJOodX2s6DrOv21W0rtgCLcBGAs/s200/Screen%2BShot%2B2017-11-16%2Bat%2B06.41.47.png" width="187" /></a></div>
by dinosaur mittens that feature eyes and
spikes. His little dinosaur mittens hands then roared at each other in innocent
play for a full 5 minutes in ever greater volume and vehemence on the streets
of Shrewsbury, it made me wish for eyes and spikes on my own gloves. For what
simpler joy could there be in life than to have roaring dinosaur mittens?!<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In reflecting on and noting such simple joys I considered
titling this post, Ode to Joy, but that caption would put me in competition
with Beethoven and Schiller, intellectual heavyweights whose genius feels
somewhat at odds with dinosaur mittens.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Beyond those dinosaur mittens I have been lucky enough to
enjoy some fantastic moments of levity; I have revelled in getting glammed up
for a night of carousing and dancing with my husband, sister and many wonderful
friends. How rarely these days does when get to drag out a ball gown (or
several), try them all on with, drink champagne whilst getting ready with ones
sister, and eventually dance til the wee hours with my husband and friends. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
A further source of elation, was that prior to my partying
on Saturday night I somehow managed (genuinely not sure how) to smash my Park Run
PB by a further 40 seconds, taking me down to 22.21. This does of course beg
the question of what I have been doing these last few months, but I will credit
my PT Ben Booth who has been helping me crank up my fitness lately along with a
genuine ‘nothing to lose, won’t be doing this for a while’ attitude.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="heading 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="index 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="35" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="10" QFormat="true" Name="Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="11" QFormat="true" Name="Subtitle"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="22" QFormat="true" Name="Strong"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="20" QFormat="true" Name="Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="Table Grid"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 1"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Revision"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="30" QFormat="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 1"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 3"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 4"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 5"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" QFormat="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" QFormat="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" QFormat="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Bibliography"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
And so today is my 35<sup>th</sup> birthday. My bag is
packed, the kids are up and I’m off to hospital. Thank you for all your lovely
messages of celebration and support and I will see you on the other (hopefully
stoma-free) side. <o:p></o:p></div>
</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17638984084499604839noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2062033500065734500.post-46280770458938317842017-11-08T13:38:00.000-08:002017-11-08T13:38:08.867-08:00The cloak of invincibility<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div class="MsoNormal">
I no longer wear the cloak of invincibility; that imperceptible
and invisible cape that is unknowingly </div>
draped around your shoulders in your
teenage years and twenties as you severe the bonds of parental responsibility
and seek greater independence.<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-9XgEIIQaVgs/WgN48mhXb-I/AAAAAAABdYg/jG838U5s2FAAaYW_WE3MfZGwyJCPicb3wCLcBGAs/s1600/Screen%2BShot%2B2017-11-08%2Bat%2B16.27.42.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="776" data-original-width="862" height="288" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-9XgEIIQaVgs/WgN48mhXb-I/AAAAAAABdYg/jG838U5s2FAAaYW_WE3MfZGwyJCPicb3wCLcBGAs/s320/Screen%2BShot%2B2017-11-08%2Bat%2B16.27.42.png" width="320" /></a>This unseen mantle, devoid of weight and substance (although
I like to think mine was fashioned from crimson velvet and trimmed with satin) subconsciously
permits and encourages magical feats of derring-do. You can leap off bridges,
saved only from the crocodile infested rapids below by an elasticated cord, (the
provenance of which you are unlikely to have checked with any knowledge or
concern). It allows you to jump out of aeroplanes, dance until dawn in a state that
can only loosely be described as ‘consciousness,’ and complete all manner of
adventurous and adrenaline-fuelled feats without even a backwards glace.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It is, after all, your life. You are free to make your own
choices, and so you do.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Unfortunately, with the arrival of children, or indeed the
existence of any other parties who are dependent on you (pets obviously
included), you suddenly become consciously aware of the existence of this cape.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In this changed state, you MAY choose to don the ethereal cloak
and rejoice in its superpowers every now and then, but your perception of risk
is immeasurably and irrevocably altered. Never again is it just ‘your life.’ It
may be your body and your choice, but your rational assessment of consequences
and risk are different.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It is therefore with incredibly mixed feelings that I
prepare for major abdominal surgery. I have never before had the opportunity to
‘prepare’ for surgery. To pack a bag. To ensure I am fit and well. To
rationally consider potential outcomes and to weigh up risks and benefits. It
is a terrifying prospect, fraught with conflict and doubt.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If the onset of parenthood was insufficient to cause me to fully
set aside my illusions of immortality and pack my cloak away in a trunk forever,
then the events of this last year (cancer, surgery, etc) have taken my beloved
cape and shredded it beyond recognition. In certain moments of great pain I
have never felt more mortal and fallible and closer to death.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It is now just over a year since those seemingly innocuous
gut spasms transpired to be a genuinely life-threatening bowel obstruction caused
by cancer. October 23<sup>rd</sup> is forever etched onto my memory for all the
wrong reasons. Yet on that date, the choice between almost certain death and potentially
life-saving surgery was a no brainer. No questions to ask. Except ‘where do I
sign?’<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Since then the conveyor belt of diagnosis, chemotherapy
treatment, colorectal appointments has felt obvious and similarly clear-cut. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The potential upsides offered by unpleasant treatment
weighed against almost inevitable disease progression have presented a similar ‘choice.’
Perhaps for some, in different circumstances there is a ‘choice’, but it never
felt like one to me. As a former employee of the frequently maligned
pharmaceutical industry, rationality and knowledge kicked in. I said yes to everything.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But this surgery feels different. In theory, this surgery is
the next logical step, the step I have been pushing for and wanting. But now I
have a date I’m not so sure.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This surgery is not a life or death decision. It is an
opportunity to put things back where they belong, to reconnect the hosepipes of
my intestines and put them back in my stomach. If all goes well, no more stoma.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Written like that it sounds simple. Obviously, it’s not. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And, as any gardener who has had experience of connecting
hosepipes to dodgy outdoor taps, and of joining hosepipe to hosepipe extension will
testify, issues and leakages are not unexpected. The situation is made even more
complex by the lack of ‘Hozelock’ click and lock products for the digestive
tract.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So, I am left feeling conflicted. Deeply conflicted. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
At a selfish personal level, of course I want the surgery to
reverse my stoma. This past year that I have spent with a colostomy bag has
been fine. ‘Fine’ I repeat through tight lips and clenched teeth. Could I live
with it forever? Absolutely. Does is stop me doing anything? No. Is it an
inconvenience? Yes, it is and given the chance of life without it, of course it’s
worth a chance.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
However, this brings me back to my beloved red cloak. I know
it doesn’t work any more. You might argue that it never did, but it used to
have the most phenomenal placebo effect, and I miss that.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If it was just about me, it would be easy to say yes. But my
life is not just ‘me’ anymore. I worry about what I would miss out on should, God
forbid, the unthinkable happen. I am under no illusions that this is a complex
operation and that there are risks involved.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Most of the consequences I can deal with, or at least I
think I can. The digestive tract is incredibly sensitive, it doesn’t like being
handled, or touched, or chopped about, or sewn. It is not hosepipe. It may
rebel against being ‘reconnected,’ with leaking and all other manner of painful
side effects, but I feel like I could live with that.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
At a pragmatic level, with my inner pessimistic hat on, I
may find that I am swapping a plastic bag stuck permanently to my abdomen for
the adult version of my toddler’s nappy. There would doubtless be a degree of
indignity in this, but this too I think I could live with. Hell, it might even
make potty training the younger one more entertaining if Mummy is also trying
to get back out of nappies!<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Joking aside, the key word in all of this is ‘live.’ For the
first time really since my initial cancer diagnosis, I find I am afraid of
death.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I think it’s not just the thought of death and of all I
might miss out on, it’s that at some point down the line my children would
become aware of this choice that I made. For this is a genuine choice. It is
not a cosmetic procedure in the sense of a boob job or buttock enhancement, but
it could be considered ‘unnecessary.’ This is ultimately about quality of life
and vanity, not clinical need.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And that is the circle I am struggling to square. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Do I want to rid my bathroom forever of bags and adhesive
pouches and the spray that removes glue from my increasingly sensitive skin
that hasn’t been glue free for over a year? Of course. But do I want my husband
to ever have to share an honest answer to the question ‘Why isn’t mummy here?’
No. That thought is more than I can bear.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I now suspect I am being far too honest in oversharing my
inner thoughts and emotions. I am, after all, British. It is not in our nature
to air such topics and our feelings quite so freely.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Yet, writing this makes sense to me, and sharing my writing makes
sense to me. So I’ll continue.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Those that know me well know that if you ask me orally about
this you’ll get the more traditional and false British upper lip treatment that
tells you I am genuinely ok about all of this. I’m not. I think it’s probably
ok not to be ok about this.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So that’s where I’m at. There are no answers today. There is
no punchline to this blog post.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I have made a decision (which I could obviously unmake) to
go ahead with the surgery next week. No one is pressuring me either way. It is
still my choice. It’ll make my 35<sup>th</sup> birthday rather more memorable
than it might otherwise have been, and hopefully it’ll be worth it in the long
run.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The only concluding thought that I can offer is to tell you
that somehow airing my fears like this feels like an unburdening, it feels like
confirmation of the old adage that ‘a problem shared is a problem halved.’<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The more I write the more I can rationalise everything and
separate heart from head. It’s ok to be afraid, yet I also know rationally that
there are thousands of people every day who go through surgery (cosmetic or
otherwise) and the vast majority of them are fine, they too live, and hopefully
so will I.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" QFormat="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" QFormat="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" QFormat="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" QFormat="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="41" Name="Plain Table 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="42" Name="Plain Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="43" Name="Plain Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="44" Name="Plain Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="45" Name="Plain Table 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="40" Name="Grid Table Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="Grid Table 1 Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52" Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 1"/>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17638984084499604839noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2062033500065734500.post-65384002790808473482017-09-16T08:38:00.001-07:002017-09-16T08:40:09.414-07:00In the dark of the night...<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Have you
ever been to that dismal place of deep, dark desperation? The place where you
think, ‘<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I cannot do this anymore. I
cannot go on. Don’t make me go on. Make it stop</i>.’ <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Most of us
have, I suspect, been there. Or been somewhere on the path to that godforsaken place
at some point. It is a bleak and isolating experience where you can no longer
see the light, and perhaps you don’t even want to.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">If you
haven’t been there, then lucky you. Unfortunately, at some point in our lives
most of us will experience that <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">rug-pulled-out-from-under-you</i>,
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">wind-punched-from-lungs</i> anguish that
accompanies every variety of life challenge from relationship breakdown to
loss, from health issues, to genuine physical and mental pain.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">The
question is, what pulls you back from the proverbial edge? What enables you to
carry on, to fight back, to build up from that dismal pit? What enables you to
do this again…and again…and again.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">I will tell
you now that there is no one answer to the question I have posed. The answer
will vary from person to person and from day to day. For I have been to that
dark place several times in this last year, several in fact in this last week
stuck in hospital with a further excruciatingly painful bowel obstruction.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">The irony
the timing of this incident is not lost on me. The cruelty of this latest
episode has been felt far more keenly by virtue of its juxtaposition against a
period of relative calm and joy. After the misery of surgery and months of chemotherapy,
it genuinely felt like my world was opening up; for travel, to see friends, to
get back to work, to climb mountains even (more about Snowden in my next blog). Then last Thursday after a
surprisingly magical day filled with unusually well-behaved children and a girly supper
that culminated in dancing around the kitchen table, it folded in again without
warning. Collapsing spectacularly into writhing, gut-wrenching agony which no
standard painkiller could touch. (Believe me, I tried)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">I put on my
brave game-face for long enough to outsource my childcare to my wonderfully
supportive nursery, drive myself to A&E and throw myself at the mercy of
the NHS. It was as I suspected. Another bowel obstruction. I knew and feared
the road ahead. Days of Nil by Mouth (NBM) and zero calories. A regimen which
leaves you weak and frail. This accompanied by the institutional trappings and
routines of the NHS; endless cannulas, saline drips, the wards rounds of drugs
that bring relief (and occasionally morphine induced and welcome oblivion), the
dreaded nasogastric (NG) tube…and the incessant vomiting.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Despite
having been here before I had forgotten the pain, my memory had erased it. Pain
in which there is no world beyond the torment of your own body. All-consuming.
Exhausting. Seemingly unending. In the grip of such agony, there is no light
and no hope.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Unlike
childbirth, in which the gap between contractions brings intermittent relief,
and wherein the prize at the end is great indeed, this pain has no silver lining,
no reprieve. It was at times relentless. Pain can also shapeshift and morph; gain
control of the lower abdominal spasms and then the back ache become acute.
Resolve the stabbing back pain and perpetual nausea ensues.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">It is a
game of cat and mouse, firefighting to control the pain rather than fix the
root cause of the problem. As a rationale pain-free person I would suggest
focusing on the root cause. Obviously. But as a patient who has literally
counted down twenty minutes, broken in seconds and half seconds before being
allowed my next IV pain-quelling fix, I say ‘f<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">ocus on the pain.</i>’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">At its
worst, having literally performed the counting exercise above for just over two
hours, alone in a fabric cubicle, sat on the edge of a bed rocking silently
forward and back with a sick bowl in hand, belching foul air every few minutes
whilst the joyous cacophony of visiting hour floats over the curtains, I can
tell you it is a low and humbling place. I cried. I prayed. I would have done
almost anything for the pain and nausea to stop. I had already thrown up litres
of dark, murky, bilious liquid that day. Yet every few hours it would accrue,
reach a certain level and pour out of me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">I am
conscious that many endure more and worse than the above, but on the fifth day,
at the point when my body and mind was exhausted by sleeplessness, lack of
calories and by the pain itself, this was my rock bottom. I could not see an
end in sight, not even a glimmer of light. As someone who (in sound mind and
health) is of the ‘<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">pick-yourself-up-and-try-again</i>’
school of thought, being in and being reminded of that horrible, faithless
place is tough to stomach.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Yet I
digress. My original query was about the things that get you through the pain
when medicine fails. When it is dark and you cannot see the light you often
need an external influence to jolt you back to belief, or to show you the
flicker of hope that you cannot yet see.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Simply
counting down the clock and knowing each half second was a half second closer
to experiencing less pain was a helpful tactic, but it doesn’t bring the light
like the comfort others can offer.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">During this
particular stay certain things made the difference between despair and hope. Of
course I found it helped physically having someone there with me. To smile, to hold
my hand, maybe to rub my back, but mostly just to be there and remind me ‘<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">this is not the end</i>.’ <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">But in
hospital there are many hours in which you are, by necessity, alone.
Fortunately, my amazing daughter as I staggered out the house that fateful
Friday with a hospital bag, handed me two items; a necklace of plastic,
glittery beads that she had hand-strung with love the day before, and a garish,
plush frog called Smoochy, in case I got lonely. I can’t tell you how much
those items helped me. Smoochy, in particular. Omnipresent reminders of my
family and my children. Reasons to drag myself off the floor and keep fighting.
Reasons to get through just another minute, and then another, and then another.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Of course,
my family and friends have, as ever, rallied to support me through visits and
messages, virtual and real, photos of sunrises, hugs, etc. Those little
messages, each one perhaps insignificant to the sender was a sign to me that
the outside world cared. Each message served as a reminder to breathe deeply, a nudge to believe that
this pain <b>would</b> pass, that I <b>would</b> get better and that I <b>would</b> get beyond this.
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-tTmBAjwSFsE/Wb1EGdx_GMI/AAAAAAABdWM/6HtOIZZ30SMrhcq2DNHbz3tiKQV_WGMPQCLcBGAs/s1600/FullSizeR%2B2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="800" data-original-width="635" height="400" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-tTmBAjwSFsE/Wb1EGdx_GMI/AAAAAAABdWM/6HtOIZZ30SMrhcq2DNHbz3tiKQV_WGMPQCLcBGAs/s400/FullSizeR%2B2.jpg" width="317" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">@pswecreate Sam Pooley-Stride</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Two ‘messages,’
in particular, stick in my mind. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">The first involved a stunning, glorious,
life-enhancing painting created by a talented friend and artist, Sam Pooley-Stride <a href="https://www.instagram.com/pswecreate/" target="_blank">@pswecreate</a>,
which reminded me of a tower of strength, the strength that family members
offer to one another to reach great heights. At the time of receiving it I had
no strength left, but as I stared at it I realised that very few things are
strong all the time. Much like Jenga bricks, towers can be destabilised, toppled
and yet rebuilt. That inspirational image helped motivate me to think beyond
the pain to the future. A future in which I regain my balance and equilibrium
and become part of that strong family unit again.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Another photo
sent by a friend was of a whimsical trinket that proclaims ‘<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">when it rains looks for rainbows, when it’s
dark look for stars</i>.’ In my windowless ward there was a dark humour to this
that drew a wry smile and provoked me to locate a rainbow photo on my phone, taken
from my kitchen window weeks before.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="margin-left: 0cm; mso-add-space: auto;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Then finally one morning I woke up
and the ordeal was over. The day in which I could finally say yes to the
question ‘<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">When are you coming home Mummy</i>?’
Magically it was the day of my daughter’s fourth birthday and the professionals
consented to my release.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 0cm; mso-add-space: auto;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 0cm; mso-add-space: auto;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">So now I am home. Weak,
institutionalised and chastened, but home. It takes time to heal from hospital
stays. Circadian rhythms disrupted by the routines of life on the ward;
continuous cycles of hot drinks, washing, meals, clinicians, medications, more
drinks and meals and medications, lights never off, silence non-existent. It is
hard to be in there, and just as hard to leave and re-adapt to the world
outside.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 0cm; mso-add-space: auto;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 0cm; mso-add-space: auto;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">I have repeatedly asked what I can do
to avoid this happening again, but beyond the obvious tips like stay hydrated,
eat well, avoid stress (which I thought I was doing), there is no specific fault
that lies at my door. It can simply be down to anatomy and scar tissue. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 18.0pt; mso-add-space: auto;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 0cm; mso-add-space: auto;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">The thought that this could happen
again is terrifying. The thought that it could be next week, next month, next
year. This is along with the unmentionable threat of cancer reoccurrence, but
let us not dwell on that.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 0cm; mso-add-space: auto;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 0cm; mso-add-space: auto;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">You should know that many of you
reading are those external influences that helped pull me back from the darkness
of despair. In pain, I rarely have the capacity to reply or respond to
messages, but those little snippets of love and concern were received with
immense gratitude, and collectively they built the ladder to allow me to claim
out of my pit.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 0cm; mso-add-space: auto;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 0cm; mso-add-space: auto;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">At times, often through no fault of
our own, we all need those external influences to remind us that we matter. In
deep darkness, it can be tempting to lock oneself in and shut everything out.
Yet this is foolish. Those little drops of care and concern are the tiny specks
of light that alone seem in significant, yet together they can turn a dark
night into a starry sky, and thence to a sunrise and the daylight beyond.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 0cm; mso-add-space: auto;">
<br /></div>
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<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="margin-left: 0cm; mso-add-space: auto;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">As someone who has, once again, felt
deeply humbled by the human compassion and warmth with which I have been guided
back to health and light, I encourage everyone to consider two things today.
Firstly, think of someone who might be cheered by a little light in their lives
and take a small action to deliver it, a message, a phone call, anything. And
if, woefully, you are in that other, darker place, dare to open yourself up to
those who seek to help, it’s not easy, but remember that each tiny chink of
light that you let in is a step towards a brighter tomorrow.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="margin-left: 0cm; mso-add-space: auto;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="margin-left: 0cm; mso-add-space: auto;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><i>(For those interested...this is Smoochy, the adorable frog who kept me company on lonely hospital nights)</i></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-jm6Ydl5S3lg/Wb1EG_7wMfI/AAAAAAABdWQ/VjUdij45JjILWc2G5shlgSF2TYv2e0-TACEwYBhgL/s1600/IMG_3560%2B2.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="200" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-jm6Ydl5S3lg/Wb1EG_7wMfI/AAAAAAABdWQ/VjUdij45JjILWc2G5shlgSF2TYv2e0-TACEwYBhgL/s200/IMG_3560%2B2.JPG" width="150" /></a></div>
</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17638984084499604839noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2062033500065734500.post-16064771149244842982017-07-22T11:06:00.003-07:002017-07-22T11:09:33.456-07:00Le Flip-Flop<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-QEX8fwfp1dU/WXOTBLvXkUI/AAAAAAABdUc/jaCDufCvGsITbyAjoxc9SsGHsH7yOqCXwCLcBGAs/s1600/Screen%2BShot%2B2017-07-22%2Bat%2B18.47.22.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="704" data-original-width="1272" height="177" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-QEX8fwfp1dU/WXOTBLvXkUI/AAAAAAABdUc/jaCDufCvGsITbyAjoxc9SsGHsH7yOqCXwCLcBGAs/s320/Screen%2BShot%2B2017-07-22%2Bat%2B18.47.22.png" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="color: #444444; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">For those
who’ve been close to me and have followed me throughout my ordeal, let me
apologise in case you have been struck by my radio silence in recent weeks. My silence
indicates neither good news, nor bad, it has simply felt necessary and
appropriate as I seek to renegotiate my way back into ‘real life’ post chemo. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="color: #444444; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">In short, I
have been trying to understand what ‘normal’ feels like. The new normal that
is. The normal in which I am currently free from ‘visible signs of malignant
disease,’ but in which the threat of recurrence is ‘statistically’ about 50%
within 2 years.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="color: #444444; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">In my head this
is not a great stat. It feels almost like roulette style odds or like flipping
a coin. I suspect accepting the ‘new normal’ and moving forwards may take some
time.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="color: #444444; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">What feels
most strange is that almost as suddenly as the whole torrid episode began (<a href="http://mytakeonfeelinggrateful.blogspot.co.uk/2016/11/when-bad-news-comes-i-need-hugs-virtual.html" target="_blank">click to go back to the start of the story</a>) it feels
over. Or partially over. Like the TV series that ends on a cliff-hanger. You
know it’s not the end. But you’ll have to wait for the next series to begin to
find out what comes next. A whole year of waiting perhaps? And who knows how
many more series there will be.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-themecolor: text1;">This ‘sudden start’ followed by ‘abrupt end’ is often the
way of things with both natural disasters and human tragedies of every
dimension, both in the imagined, cinematic, literary world, and in life itself.
</span><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">An unpleasant event
occurs, lives are torn apart, the human spirit fights for survival by whatever
means it can. Practicalities then naturally dominate for a period. Dragged to
the base of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs it is all about elemental concerns like
food, water, shelter, security. Just focussing on simply taking one breath
after another.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="color: #444444; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Yet beyond
the logistical steps, which most of us are relatively adept at following, are
the swirling emotions that lurk, supressed by pragmatism. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="color: #444444; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Whilst
deeply unpleasant, my schedule of appointments for blood tests, pump on, pump
off, line flush, repeat has been manageable. Around me the troops have rallied
to provide sustenance, comfort and childcare to regularly fill those critical
gaps left by my own incapacitation. On some level this was the simple part.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="color: #444444; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">What comes
next is not.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="color: #444444; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Psychologically
and emotionally one is left reeling in the wake of such a life-altering
experience. It is like someone took the fragile vase of my being, tossed it
into the air, watched it smash and then left me and my incredible support crew
picking up the pieces and trying to reassemble the fragments of porcelain. I
have had an indescribable taskforce trying to put me back to together with
glue, love and sticky tape, and to work out which, if any pieces are beyond repair.
There are doubtless some tiny chipped and shattered shards that will never be
the same again.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="color: #444444; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">In this
state, I have been drawn to the image of the humble flip-flop. Synonymous with
summer, sand and fun, (all of which I have been enjoying), there is something
about the onomatopoeic quality of these objects that reflects my experiences of
late.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="color: #444444; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Whilst you
may never have noticed this, let me draw your attention to the fact that the
term ‘flip-flop’ consists of two very different words. Both rife with
implications of their own.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="color: #444444; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Flip, for
me, is suggestive of incredible gymnastic feats, the like of which I will never
be capable. ‘Flip’ conjures up the idea of launching oneself uninhibited into
the sky. The word is evocative of pleasure, of fearlessness, of a wild
care-free abandonment to sample the joys of life. Who wouldn’t want more ‘flip’
in their life?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="color: #444444; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Flop, on
the other hand is rarely a good thing, whether harnessed to the word ‘belly’ or
indeed to any other object or appendage (<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">clean
thoughts only please</i>). Flowers drooping. Speeches failing to hit the mark.
Flop. Flop. Flop. ‘Flop’ is never positive (except perhaps when allied to
fluffy bunnies… but let’s not ruin my metaphor).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="color: #444444; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Since chemo
my life has been a relatively even mixture of ‘flip’ and ‘flop’. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="color: #444444; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">On the ‘flip’
side I had a kickass end-of-chemo/thank-you-to-my-awesome-local-support-crew bash.
Massive, humungous FLIP. The bar was literally dredged of its entire contents,
the tunes from local band, Crump rang out euphorically, the love was palpable
and the hangovers doubtless echoed the epic nature of the shindig.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="color: #444444; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Indeed,
after months of abstinence I have seen fit to crack open the fizz several times
with friends both old and new. Nothing says ‘flip’ like fizz I find! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="color: #444444; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">On
occasion, the presence of fizz and the absence of any semblance of alcohol
tolerance has engendered thrilling nights of reminiscing and regression to the
days of my giddy-gaddy twenties where caution is flung to the wind like pixie
dust. Little is more flipping fun than partying with fellow wondrous friends of
the aforementioned era who have also lately been largely immersed in motherhood
and similar, serious aspects of living with partners, mortgages, careers, ailments,
etc.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="color: #444444; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-themecolor: text1;">Freed from the hospital shackles I have been
undertaking a mini odyssey around the UK and beyond (with children) in a quest
to catch up with those loyal friends and family who have played such a magnificent
role of late. Highlights of my jaunt thus far include Menorca, St. Margaret’s,
Wimbledon, Soho and Birmingham… all of which I’m classing as ‘flip’. Next stop,
the Isle of Wight.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="color: #444444; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">To conclude
my tour of upsides it would be wrong of me not to inform you about a totally unexpected
joy in recent weeks. My first attempt at fly-fishing. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="color: #444444; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Masterminded
through an extraordinary demonstration of support and kindness by a relatively
little-known acquaintance, I had the amazing good fortune to find myself on the
banks of the River Test @OrvisFlyFishing, casting for beautiful trout under the
careful tutelage of the lovely Marina Gibson @marinagibsonfishing. Lucky, lucky me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="color: #444444; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">For those
uninitiated in the ways of fisherfolk, let me enlighten you. The jargon is, as
in any new world, a little opaque. I lacked both gear and ideas, but those with
both of the above could not have been kinder or more patient with my ineptitude.
Marina deserves a medal for patience and persistence. I caught more grass,
weeds and branches than fish whilst attempting to cast under trees for those
glimmering, piscine beauties lurking in the shadowy depths on a day otherwise characterised
by glorious heat and sun. Frustrating and exhilarating in equal measure as I
awaited that elusive bite, but what an incredible initiation to this unknown
world. The meditative and rhythmic act of repeated casting, whether attempted
or observed, is incredibly magnetic. I can see why people get hooked on the art
of hooking.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="color: #444444; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">From epic
highs let me not neglect the counterpoint to such experiences. The ‘flops’.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="color: #444444; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Perhaps it
was inevitable, but after my last treatment, my neuropathy, that irritatingly
tingly stabbing feeling in my fingers and toes progressed from Grade 2 to Grade
3. In the simplest of terms this means the nerve damage is now pretty bad. It
is now persistent and omnipresent. The numbness and tingling no longer come and
go, they are permanently there. All the time.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="color: #444444; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Some might
say I have got off lightly. I could have had a worse run through emergency
surgery and my gruelling 6 month chemo schedule. They’d be right. No hair loss.
No obvious signs of cancer. Just the scars from surgery, my Hickman line and, of
course, my ever-present stoma.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="color: #444444; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Call me naïve,
but with chemo over I expected to be able to move forwards, both mentally and
physically. But every minute of every day I have this nagging physical symptom
pulling me back in both mind and body. It reminds me that this experience is
not over. My <a href="https://mytakeonfeelinggrateful.blogspot.com/2017/02/the-bear-went-over-mountain.html" target="_blank">bear alter-ego</a> may be down off the
mountain, intermittently dancing and fishing on the plains below, but that
mountain casts a long shadow and for now I cannot escape it, however far and
fast I run.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="color: #444444; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">The feeling
is impossible to describe. It’s not often painful, just uncomfortable. I feel like
I’m permanently walking on gravel in bare feet that have a thick inch of hard
skin on the soles. I feel partially anaesthetised, like a could take the blade
of a knife, pierce the tips of each toe and feel nothing but the pressure of
the act. The nerves are dull and deadened for now.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="color: #444444; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Clearly
this is not cataclysmic. I know I shouldn’t whinge. But it is frustrating. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="color: #444444; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">On a daily
basis there are many things I cannot do. Most irritatingly I cannot write
properly and grip a pen. This is particularly galling for me as a lover of the
written word. Typing is great, but I have always loved to journal with a pen. From
the angsty teenage years to now, the pen has played a crucial role in my
emotional wellbeing. And now it can’t. Journalling is how I get my head straight
and order my thoughts. Typing alone has meant that getting to this blog has
been tougher than normal. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="color: #444444; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">It galls me
that I have the fine motor skills of a young toddler. Possibly worse than my 2
year old son. I am incredibly clumsy. Every button I labour over, every
cup/jug/glass/plate that crashes to earth due to my fumbling grip is a reminder
of the ongoing impact of chemotherapy. Maybe it’ll improve, maybe it won’t.
Only time (months and years worth of time), will tell.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="color: #444444; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">A further ‘flop’
was the look on my face and the disappointment in my heart as my surgeon <span style="color: black; mso-themecolor: text1;">unequivocally </span>refused to consider
the reversal of my stoma, unless and until, further scans show me to be cancer
free. This is not what I wanted to hear. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="color: #444444; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">There is no
need for melodrama on my part, living with a colostomy bag is not intolerable.
IT doesn’t stop me doing anything. It’s fine. Barring the occasional social
situation or clothing malfunction that can reduce me to tears, I am coping. But
given the choice I’d prefer not to.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="color: #444444; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">So, I’ll
have to wait. This felt like a ‘flop.’ A further delay in my quest to return to
‘normality.’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="color: #444444; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">On balance,
now I’m writing it down, it reads like there are more ‘flips’ than ‘flops.’
This may be true, but irritatingly the flops loom large and feel ongoing. The ‘flips’
were heavenly and euphoric but often fleeting. Positive memories to dine off
and to distract.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="color: #444444; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">The big
elephant in the metaphorical room is, of course, what next? I have many
questions in my mind about returning to work, about writing as a career, about
how to live cancer-free, about how to move forwards, but in many cases there
are no obvious answers. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><span style="color: #444444;">In this
state I am reminded of the words of the superlatively inspiring poet, Khalil
Gibran, whose masterwork ‘The Prophet’ you may perhaps be familiar with?
Through this chapter of my life, I have tried to stay positive, and the
following quote has been key to that mindset.</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="background: white; color: #4472c4;">Your living is
determined not so much by what life brings to you as by the attitude you bring
to life; not so much by what happens to you as by the way your mind looks at
what happens. Khalil Gibran<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="color: #444444; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">In
compiling this blog I had been reflecting that life might be a little easier if
it were more ‘flip-flip’ than ‘flip-flop.’ I am fortunate enough to have several
‘flips’ booked for the weeks ahead: trips abroad, a writing course crowded funded
by generous friends. I can’t wait.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="color: #444444; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">So exciting
are these ‘flips’ that I have wondered what the footwear equivalent of the ‘flip-flip’
might look like? Would I wear them? Would I want them in my already extensive shoe
collection?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><span style="color: #444444;">But this is
a foolish thought, on which I must again demur to the words and spirit of
Khalil Gibran. </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: #4472c4; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.<br />
And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with
your tears.<br />
And how else can it be?<br />
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.</span></i><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: #4472c4; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-themecolor: accent1;"><o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><span style="color: #444444;">Life is
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17638984084499604839noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2062033500065734500.post-38191415343620937832017-05-19T23:02:00.001-07:002017-05-19T23:02:26.335-07:00The final countdown...<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="heading 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="heading 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="35" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="10" QFormat="true" Name="Title"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="22" QFormat="true" Name="Strong"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="20" QFormat="true" Name="Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 1"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Revision"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="30" QFormat="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 4"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 4"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 5"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 5"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" QFormat="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" QFormat="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" QFormat="true"
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<!--StartFragment-->
<!--EndFragment--><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Whilst I have
been quietly SO excited about my final chemo session (like a child before
Christmas, yet far more controlled), I have also been filled with great anxiety.
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Naturally I’ve
been desperate to get the final 12<sup>th</sup> session underway and over.
Desperate to collect my 12<sup>th</sup> fox. Desperate to look forwards to the
future without the chemo schedule dictating my every move. Yet subconsciously I’ve
also felt the weight of expectation, mine and others. Positive plans for
holiday and celebration have felt a little like pressure.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Don’t ask
me why, but I have therefore been paranoid about my blood results being ok. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Perhaps it
was self-fulfilling prophecy, but my concerns about the state of my blood
proved well founded. Personally, I was bothered about platelets, those little
transparent discs that knit you together and coagulate when you cut yourself.
Not hitherto an issue, but I’d noticed that I bruise very easily these days. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">I look a
little bit like a technicolour Dalmatian when I face the mirror. Pallid
winter-white skin dotted with brown, amber, purple and green spots of varying
size. Yet I have no recollection of any major knocks or even minor bumps that
might have caused such markings. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Clearly no
sane adult makes a habit of injuring themselves, but a careless slip with the
knife chopping carrots, a hasty swipe with a razor blade over the knee and a
rushed attempt to move hefty wooden chairs have all caused minor blood wounds
in recent days. Such incidents would normally be trifling. Largely negligible
on the pain scale, yet the bleeding has seemed a little excessive and unstoppable.
Perhaps an indication of those pesky platelets going missing?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">As my
traditional Chemo Wednesday dawned, armed psychologically with all my usual
talismans of fortitude: WonderWoman pants, unicorn socks…and (a new addition)
of foxy leggings, I was greeted with the news of ‘low platelets.’ With the
possibility that repeat bloods might show an increase between Tuesday evening
and Wedneday morning I waited in hope.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">It was not
to be. Everything had gone down. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Neutrophils
and platelets both now AWOL. Clutching at straws I tried a third set of bloods
from my arm this time, not my Hickman line. As I sat there praying and begging to be
allowed my chemo, I knew in my heart that it was game over for the day. Neutropenia
and therefore a total absence of infection-fighting cells is not a fit state
for the ingestion of toxic drugs.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Totally
gutted and tearful I was sent home, armed with two delightful GCSF injections (of
which I have previously written) and a prescription to rest, eat and do nothing
until Friday when we would try again.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">I mentioned
Friday to very few people. A little like the tendency not to publicise the date
of rescheduled exam or a driving test, having failed once, or twice previously.
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">In the
interim I focused on meditation, sleep, relaxing reiki…and eating delicious cake...and
slightly less delicious, but arguably more nutritious, smoothies and juices.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Friday
dawned, and unadorned with my lucky pants and socks I faced the Chemo Day
Centre again. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">I truly felt like all the staff were rooting for me, spurring my
confidence. Blood sent off they prepared my chemo, completed the standard
toxicity questionnaire: How sick have you been? Any pain? Any ulcers? Extent of
your neuropathy and tingling? Etc.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All
clear and weight ok (thanks to my cake diet) I was left to wait.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">It turned
out the vitally important Full Blood Count (FBC) was passable. Platelets still
low, (but my lovely consultant had cleared me to go ahead at a greatly
reduced level). White blood cells and neutrophils astonishingly through the
ceiling thank to nasty injections. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-w-LZOjY5amU/WR_Y5UMASnI/AAAAAAABdSE/VGmFjIiSQyw_-layxe_PhdHX510Z_aVAQCLcB/s1600/Screen%2BShot%2B2017-05-20%2Bat%2B06.47.42.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="152" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-w-LZOjY5amU/WR_Y5UMASnI/AAAAAAABdSE/VGmFjIiSQyw_-layxe_PhdHX510Z_aVAQCLcB/s200/Screen%2BShot%2B2017-05-20%2Bat%2B06.47.42.png" width="200" /></a><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">For reference,
a normal adult sits between a count of 2-8, chemo patients need to be above 1 to go ahead.
Mine were a whopping 26.4<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">This result
briefly made me feel like the infection-fighting alter-ego of WonderWoman, capable
of </span></div>
<br />
forcefully repelling any threatening viruses that languish in my kids and
the near vicinity with lazer beams, ‘<i>Kapow’</i> speech bubbles and flying leaps.
(Although sadly chemotherapy means this elevated level won’t last).<o:p></o:p><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-oisRwiveRaI/WR_Y48DIKXI/AAAAAAABdSA/5LLt63ScdgY2R_taPFtYM1Be0Iu7LoMPQCLcB/s1600/Screen%2BShot%2B2017-05-20%2Bat%2B06.48.50.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="149" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-oisRwiveRaI/WR_Y48DIKXI/AAAAAAABdSA/5LLt63ScdgY2R_taPFtYM1Be0Iu7LoMPQCLcB/s200/Screen%2BShot%2B2017-05-20%2Bat%2B06.48.50.png" width="200" /></a><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Unfortunately,
I then had to wait a further 2 hours for the rest of the blood results; U&Es,
LFTs, etc. A tedious wait to tick the box, but everything was ready and waiting
so I felt reassured that all would proceed.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">This time
my ‘final countdown’ felt less like the famous TV Progamme, under pressure from
the likes of Carol Vorderman, Richard Whiteley and Des O’Connor to solve
tricksy letter and number conundrums. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-7k9nS7gXzgo/WR_Zpu5ZQJI/AAAAAAABdSU/1aDyqQjtesA4hKyOtym4jVS2pu36IlmHgCEw/s1600/Screen%2BShot%2B2017-05-20%2Bat%2B06.50.55.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="202" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-7k9nS7gXzgo/WR_Zpu5ZQJI/AAAAAAABdSU/1aDyqQjtesA4hKyOtym4jVS2pu36IlmHgCEw/s320/Screen%2BShot%2B2017-05-20%2Bat%2B06.50.55.png" width="320" /></a><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">This final wait was more akin to the
anticipation of skiing down to the infamous Moosewirt bar on the slopes of St.
Anton in time to catch their kick off at 3pm.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">For those
that haven’t experience this life-affirming pleasure, let me fill you in. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Partying
officially starts at 3pm when speakers across the mountain blare out Europe’s hit ‘<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9jK-NcRmVcw" target="_blank">The FINAL COUNTDOWN</a>’ (I<i>’m sure
you know the one, feel free to click and refresh your memory</i></span><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">). </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-SWWJswEZFx8/WR_Zp_EcAbI/AAAAAAABdSQ/5BuaGGUpPloBLAcjlJjtwxSYVtPNeub4QCLcB/s1600/Screen%2BShot%2B2017-05-20%2Bat%2B06.51.17.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="142" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-SWWJswEZFx8/WR_Zp_EcAbI/AAAAAAABdSQ/5BuaGGUpPloBLAcjlJjtwxSYVtPNeub4QCLcB/s200/Screen%2BShot%2B2017-05-20%2Bat%2B06.51.17.png" width="200" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Like a homing call
for pigeons, skiiers rally to the cry to discard skis and poles and hasten to
the large wooden cabin and sundeck. There, plied with liquor by broad
Austrian giants who shoulder one, often 2 filled with enormous beer steins 20 deep, interspersed by accompanying shots of schnapps and Jaegermeister to fuel the revellers’
progression to boisterous, clunky, exuberant dancing in ski boots on precarious picnic
tables. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Rather a more jubilant and euphoric countdown experience.</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Back in the
chemo centre finally, the green light was given, screen box ticked and I was
off. I went from euphoric high and relief, to chemo slump in a few short hours,
but all of this is infinitely preferable to another postponement. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-kP7Bpn9P7dw/WR_ba_BhFPI/AAAAAAABdSo/gQhIup3KQm0FCFOs1ENfIjKp27gGYurRwCLcB/s1600/DSC_0036.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="133" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-kP7Bpn9P7dw/WR_ba_BhFPI/AAAAAAABdSo/gQhIup3KQm0FCFOs1ENfIjKp27gGYurRwCLcB/s200/DSC_0036.jpeg" width="200" /></a><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">So the
final leg of this round of chemo is underway. My bear-self is feeling woozy,
but perhaps less so than normal, lifted by a further dose reduction and by the
psychological release of seeing the finish line not just in the distance, but
in clear focus. </span><br />
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><br /></span>
<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-cby0sCF-Hcw/WR_bRSvcJyI/AAAAAAABdSg/nrne1hfY_3E0swKU1D2sxKLVyFZHoijvQCLcB/s1600/IMG_0809.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="149" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-cby0sCF-Hcw/WR_bRSvcJyI/AAAAAAABdSg/nrne1hfY_3E0swKU1D2sxKLVyFZHoijvQCLcB/s200/IMG_0809.JPG" width="200" /></a><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">I envisage a large inflatable arch with the word ‘FINISH’ on
it, like the running and triathlon events of my former life, a plastic tape waiting
for me to burst through, exhausted but victorious. I hold these photo of me completing the inaugural Masai Mara half marathon in my mind.</span><br />
<br />
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Such a
vision will doubtless make the real conclusion, having my pump disconnected by
a nurse in a couple of days a little anticlimactic, but I doubt I’ll care.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">So with joy
in my heart and a final dose of toxic champagne in my veins I am off to rest,
and am looking forward to the tastier variety of fizz in the not too distant
future. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">I know that
this is not the end of the road. </span><br />
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><br /></span>
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">There are most tests to follow, potentially
more mountains to climb, surgeries and treatments to endure. But there is no
point considering any of this now. The present prevails in my mind and my
immediate future.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">When my
pump is off and my line removed I am free for a whole six weeks. Six whole
weeks before anything else medical is scheduled. What a wondrous gift after 8
months of being shackled to my treatment regime and the hospital!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">I feel
blessed and fortunate to be offered this period of time, and I intend to make
the most of it. Any and all suggestions of how I should make the most of each
and every day will be greatly welcomed?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">I look
forward to finally being able to say ‘Yes’ to invitations and fun, and ‘Thank
you’ to the myriad of people who have psychologically and physically carried me
at times during recent months.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">In case you
felt that one reference to 80’s pop with not enough for this blogpost, let me
confess that at various points in recent months I have had the Bette Midler
classic ‘<i><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jorJh8DTMVM" target="_blank">Wind beneath my wings</a></i>’ playing in my head. For the love and support of
others has indeed felt like the wind beneath my wings at times when I was too
tired and dejected to fly. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">So to all
of you that have been there for me, in whatever capacity, this is for you.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial";">Did you ever know that you're my hero,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial";">And everything I would like to be?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial";">I can fly higher than an eagle, <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial";">For you are the wind beneath my wings.</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #006621; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 10.5pt;">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jorJh8DTMVM</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17638984084499604839noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2062033500065734500.post-62706049927870049432017-04-30T10:34:00.003-07:002017-04-30T10:34:52.827-07:00The perils of daring to dream<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/--rbLVHauYbY/WQYf42Os7fI/AAAAAAABdRM/E94rOaA0JnsjQq9ZGX-sQX2Gwxcwx3NMQCLcB/s1600/Screen%2BShot%2B2017-04-30%2Bat%2B18.32.40.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="241" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/--rbLVHauYbY/WQYf42Os7fI/AAAAAAABdRM/E94rOaA0JnsjQq9ZGX-sQX2Gwxcwx3NMQCLcB/s320/Screen%2BShot%2B2017-04-30%2Bat%2B18.32.40.png" width="320" /></a>In recent weeks,
I have been making a mental list of the many things I am grateful for. As my
latest </div>
blogs have been largely conflicted and dark, I have been feeling the
need to inject some levity into my writing. Yet every time I have tried putting
pen to paper, something has happened to render me less grateful. Or maybe not ‘less
grateful,’ simply distracted. That experience of the world closing in again.<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">It a cruel
process, the <a href="http://mytakeonfeelinggrateful.blogspot.co.uk/2016/11/whod-have-thought-that-world-was-like.html" target="_blank">expansion and collapse of my world</a>. Just when I dare to dream
about the end of the chemotherapy and the future, something happens to remind
me that these remaining weeks, and indeed the period beyond will be fraught
with challenges.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">This last
week, on the back of a wonderful, relaxing night away with my husband, (child-free
thanks to the generosity of amazing friends), I felt rested and eager to spend
a lovely family-focused Sunday with my children prior to Chemo Cycle 11. Everything
started well with civilised wake-up times, stories in the family bed and an
impromptu fashion show of my latest acquisitions (Don’t judge me!). <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">In short, the
mischievous imp of vanity has been nagging me about a forthcoming holiday we
have dared to plan. It keeps whispering the word ‘bikini’ in my ear as a
pessimistic taunt regarding less appropriate beachwear for my post-operative,
stoma-enhanced abdomen. Last week I duly silenced that voice by ordering a
veritable treasure trove of swimsuits and high-waisted bikinis. Effective at
concealing my colostomy bag…AND unexpectedly on trend and therefore readily
available. (On trend is a rarity for me).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">But only
minutes after breakfast everything went wrong. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">My gut went
into intense spasms. Visceral pain ensued as I doubled up in agony in the floor,
trying desperately to shield the children from my panic-stricken state. My mind
lurched back to October 2016 and the beginning of all of this. Acute, stabbing,
bilateral, rhythmic contractions, reminiscent of labour. Deep pain that leaves
you moaning like an injured animal. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">I was in
little doubt that this was ‘serious’ and within minutes the kids were offloaded
and I was back in hospital, assigned to the Surgical Assessment Unit, whose very
name inspires awe and terror in any who have ever undergone major surgery.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">It’s been a
very long and terrifying week for me and for my nearest and dearest. Any medical
conversation that features the words ‘<i>disease recurrence</i>,’ ‘<i>surgery,</i>’ and ‘<i>bowel
obstruction</i>’ interspersed with barely audible adjectives like ‘<i>potential</i>’ and conjunctions
like ‘<i>if</i>’ and ‘<i>but’</i> is a bad week.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Recent days
have been filled with intermittent pain, fear, boredom and the odd, rare, wonderful
moment of levity and joy with friends. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Things I
have learnt include the following:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="margin-left: 21.0pt; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">-<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">That
being ‘nil by mouth’ for four days is a genuine and effective medical treatment
for resolving bowel obstructions. (<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">It has
also, incidentally, been a key factor in deciding whether to return size 10 or size
12 bikini bottoms following my aforementioned swimwear retail frenzy</i>).
Having mere saline dripped slowly into your veins, whilst watching those around
you chow down on macaroni cheese is like torture. The experience makes hospital
food smell delicious. After four days of fasting, hospital jelly was received
like nectar from the Gods, with Rice Krispies an exquisite treat the following
day. It makes the 5:2 diet seem like child’s play. I should stress that this enforced
starvation allows the digestive system to rest, decompress and, astoundingly to
resolve obstructions. I am hugely grateful for it, but I also feel liking
printing and wearing a sweatshirt with the slogan ‘Cancer stole my butt’ on it,
as my bottom appears to have vanished along with various other fatty deposits
common to my gender.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 21.0pt; mso-add-space: auto;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="margin-left: 21.0pt; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">-<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">That
even when your stomach feels empty, it never is. Who outside the medical
profession knew that you literally can vomit up litres of bile for days and days
after not eating? Or that bile looks exactly like someone dredged up an
algae-infested pond buried deep in your guts? Dark green with floating algae
specks, although thankfully no tadpoles. I suspect they must have been killed
by the acidity? I also suspect that I will never eat seaweed again.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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</span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">That
having an NG tube (Nasogastric) sucks. With no pain relief, they push a long
plastic tube up your nose, past the eye socket, down the throat and into your
stomach. Then it sits there for days filtering out the ‘pond water’ and waggling
in your throat with every inhalation of air. On the flipside, it also makes for
an interesting game for bored, semi-delirious visitors. Did I look more like an
exotic hummingbird, an elephant or (my personal favourite) an anteater?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">I could, and probably should, go on about the positive aspects of the immense
institution within which I was treated. The diligent NHS nurses forever chasing
doctors for alternative pain control options. The repeated scanning and jabbing
to diagnose and alleviate my suffering. The stoicism and solidarity amongst ward-mates,
united by colorectal woes and by shared pain…but I suspect I’ve given you
enough of a flavour of the past week.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 3.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">It was grim. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 3.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">I feel tremendously fortunate that a week on from my admission, order
seems to have been restored to my digestive tract. Perhaps not permanently, but
the chance to be at home with my family, pain-free and indeed scheduled to
return and complete my chemotherapy feels like a lucky break compared to some
of the alternatives that were muted at various points during my ordeal.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">To return
to, and extend, my ‘<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><a href="http://mytakeonfeelinggrateful.blogspot.co.uk/2017/02/the-bear-went-over-mountain.html" target="_blank">bear going over the mountain</a>’</i> metaphor I feel this latest episode was particularly cruel. A
week ago I genuinely felt like with two chemotherapy sessions left and ten
behind me, I was nearly there. I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. The
end was so close I could see it in my mind. I was daring to see beyond the
confines of those last two periods of hibernation to potential freedom beyond. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">My bear was
gambolling down the sunlit mountainside, staring only the horizon and dreaming
of salmon fishing on the rivers and plains below. Yet I was so caught up in
daydreams I forgot to look down at the path immediately in front of me. Perhaps
it equates to falling into a deep pit? Or a mini avalanche burying my bear
alter-ego in rubble? Or getting my paw caught in a snare? This latest episode totally
blindsided me as I didn’t see it coming. A huge mental and physical blow,
crushing hope and calling into question all those fragile dreams and plans I
was beginning to make.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Perhaps I
could never have foreseen this latest turn of events? Perhaps it is simply that
life will always have the capacity to surprise and to shock? It can bring
pleasure or pain and such events simply serve to remind you that sometimes you have
no control over what comes next. A further prompt about <a href="http://mytakeonfeelinggrateful.blogspot.co.uk/2017/01/the-challenge-of-presence.html" target="_blank">living in the present</a>,
making the most of each and every day, and focusing on joy.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Luckily for
me I have once again been blessed in my circumstances. True humanity has come
to the fore again in the form of family and friends, trained medical staff and
a whole community of virtual and physical support that has metaphorically
pulled me from the deep pit, dusted me off and nursed me back to health. I left
hospital a weakened and chastened bear. A few more scars, a little more wisdom,
but nonetheless ready to fight another day.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">And so
onwards again to those last two chemotherapy sessions. Ever onwards towards the light.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Still positive.
Yet more cautious than previously. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">I have been
warned by many who have trodden this path before me that I am unlikely to ever
enjoy full, carefree liberty like I used to. For the shadow of recurrence will
always lurk in the mind of any who have been through cancer personally or with
a loved one. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">But perhaps
with time the shadow will recede, sometimes forgotten temporarily. So, I will
look forward to such moments with great excitement, and in the meantime will
cherish each and every moment of levity that comes my way on the road ahead.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17638984084499604839noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2062033500065734500.post-39792237467770428502017-04-02T14:42:00.002-07:002017-04-19T02:14:41.570-07:00Head over heart?...and collateral damage<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-BDbJv3bmXyU/WOFwJLf7O0I/AAAAAAABdQc/Ex00a1b9Bo4pKnlTaGc74EM0JJI85j4dwCLcB/s1600/Screen%2BShot%2B2017-04-02%2Bat%2B22.41.20.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="191" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-BDbJv3bmXyU/WOFwJLf7O0I/AAAAAAABdQc/Ex00a1b9Bo4pKnlTaGc74EM0JJI85j4dwCLcB/s320/Screen%2BShot%2B2017-04-02%2Bat%2B22.41.20.png" width="320" /></a>At various
points in our lives we all confront difficult decisions in which the heart and
its emotive </div>
tendencies pitch themselves against the more rational and
considered mental faculties of the brain.<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">It’s always
a tough call. Follow your heart, or follow your head?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">There is
not necessarily a right choice, but what if both your heart and head are saying
the same thing, and yet still you know it’s the wrong choice?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">With each
passing session of chemotherapy my body screams at me. ‘<i>Make it stop. Make it
stop. Don’t put me through this again</i>.’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">I am
particularly vulnerable to listening to this voice as active chemotherapy ends
and the lull between pain and recovery drags on. The voice is even louder in
the wee small hours of the morning when darkness prevails. (Friday night to Sunday
night after Chemo Wednesday are dark indeed.)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">My heart
cries out against further treatments. </span>It wails like an emergency siren denoting a red alert. It warns that next time my body may not
be strong enough to withstand the drugs, that I may not recover. It is hard to ignore its warnings.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">My brain
kicks in to hush that emotive voice. To reason that many millions endure and
survive chemotherapy each year. That billions of pounds spent on pharmaceutical
research, proving efficacy and weighing the risks cannot be wrong. As someone
who spent a happy decade within the industry and has a better grasp than most
of clinical trials and an ability to read the evidence for myself, I know that
the facts stack up.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Yet it’s
impossible to ignore one’s own body. Not listening to my body and paying heed
to those early twinges of my gut is what landed me in emergency surgery. I
refuse to play the ‘what if’ game in regards to diagnosis. That path leads
nowhere good. But I am listening now.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">For nearly
a week each fortnight my body does not feel like my own. Spasms, twinges,
fevers, wretching, fatigue, fug, it all points to the damage the drugs doing.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Increasingly
the phrase ‘collateral damage’ comes to mind. It flashes up light one of those
fluorescent neon tubes that more customarily denote fast food outlets or
motels. It is not a helpful phrase, especially at night.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">‘Collateral
damage’ smacks of innocent casualties of warfare. Unintended victims of a
greater act. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">And so it
feels with me. Rationally I know that chemotherapy is for the greater good. To
stand a chance of ridding my body of any remaining malignant cells I must
endure systemic cleansing of all cells that exhibit growth, healthy or not.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Whilst
radiotherapy and surgery can more effectively target suspect tumours and
growths, chemotherapy is by its very nature intended to be systemic. If what is
left after surgery is microscopic, defective cancerous cells cunningly lurking
in lymph nodes and post-operative margins, then modern medicine’s best option
is full on warfare.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">As the
weeks go by the evidence of ‘collateral damage’ accumulates. The immune system
is often first hit, dramatically. I can see it with each passing blood test. My
counts of red and white blood cells, platelets and neutrophils exist well below
normal levels, yet each fortnight I am desperate for my blood counts to be high
enough for treatment to proceed on schedule. Psychologically the idea of delay,
and of prolonging this grim routine is torture in itself.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">So each
week I pray that the additional injections I take to artificially boost and
restart my stunned bone marrow have done their work. Thus far they have. More
drugs to prop me up and partially repair the damage of their predecessors, yet
they come with bone pain, fevers, chills and a host of other effects. Without
them my system could not tolerate the chemotherapy, with them I can continue my
toxic schedule. Not much I can argue with there.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Beyond the
blood counts I watch my temperature neurotically. This was not helped this week
by my toddler’s decision to plonk my electronic thermometer in the toilet. I’m
sure it made a wonderful and satisfying splosh, but it necessitated the rapid
purchase of an equally effective replacement whilst I wait to see if the first
one can be revived in a bowl of rice.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">On Friday
after chemo my temperature always seems to spike up. No-one has yet come up
with a reasonable explanation for this, but it seems to be the combined impact
of three days of chemo drugs, plus anti-emetics AND the addition of my GCSF
injection (the one that helps my immune system). Maybe my liver is running hot
from having to process so much toxic stuff? Maybe it’s just my body quaking and
rebelling at such vile treatment? A feverish forehead and dragon breath,( as I
affectionately call that feeling like you’re exhaling fire), have landed me in
hospital once. The sword of infection hangs, Damacles-esque in the air like a
threat. I’ve learned to wait before I call in with my readings. If I wait, my
temperature usually comes down and I can evade admission. (Clearly if it stayed
high I’d go in. I may dread a hospital bed, but I’m not foolish enough not to listen
to advice and protocol).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">My most
recent addition to the list of casualties is a deeply personal one. I shall
offer no details other than to mention my reproductive system. I feel
incredibly conflicted about this as on the one hand I have been profoundly
blessed in my life so far. I know I have been incredibly lucky. I have two
wonderful children. I want no more. My beliefs on this were set long before
cancer reared its maleficent head.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">But it
pains me greatly at a deep, inner level to know that I have voluntarily agreed
to damage a system that has hitherto been a source of great joy and pride.
Destroying something that was working perfectly eats at my soul. Permanent or
temporary no one can predict. Either way, it feels wrong, and counterintuitive.
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">My brain
aims to soothe with advice that it changes nothing about my hopes for the
future. Indeed, I made a sound and considered decision not to freeze any eggs,
just in case. Yet it hurts and reinforces all the increasingly vocal murmurings
of my heart, that this sucks. How can I voluntarily agree to harming myself in
this way? My heart queries ‘<i>what will fail next?</i>’ my brain wavers in its
resolve to continue. For a time the heart and head concur that this is madness.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">And so I
return to the phrase ‘collateral damage.’ <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">As the dawn
breaks I force myself to zoom out and examine the bigger picture. The bigger
picture is cleansing my entire system of malignant cells that might seek to
grab a toehold elsewhere and replicate out of control. Again.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">The big
picture waves the volume of medical evidence at me, like a giant sheaf of
papers shoved in my face. ‘This is your best shot’ reminds my brain. ‘This is
your best chance of ensuring it doesn’t come back.’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">I know
there are no guarantees. I can read the evidence first-hand about recurrence.
But saying ‘no’ to further treatments is like increasing the odds and rolling
the dice. It’s foolish.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">As a teenager
I used to have a slogan on my wall. A headline clipped from a magazine,
diligently covered in sticky-back plastic along with other images, mottos and
icons of my teenage years. It read ‘<i>No pain, no gain.</i>’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<!--EndFragment--><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">It appears
I have written myself into a corner wherein my head wins again. I don’t like
it, but I can live with it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17638984084499604839noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2062033500065734500.post-82125350559247935612017-03-23T13:17:00.002-07:002017-03-26T22:16:15.814-07:00Lessons in acceptance, courage and wisdom. For now.<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Lately I’ve
been struggling to finish any of my attempts at new blog posts, as when I
re-read them I sound whiney. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">No-one
wants to sounds whiney. Nor it is doubtless interesting to read my grumpy and
dejected ‘woe-is-me’ musings. I have had that the famous saying ‘<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">If you haven’t got anything nice to say,
better to say nothing at all</i>,’ playing on repeat in my head. I have
therefore kept my silence lately.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">But,
finally, I think I’ve turned a corner...again. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Another upwards stretch in my strange
rollercoaster, up-down journey through the Badlands of chemotherapy.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Some of you
will perhaps have grown up with the adage:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">‘<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">God grant me the grace to accept the things
I cannot change,<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">The courage to change the things I can<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">And the wisdom to know the difference</span></i><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">.’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">At various
points in my life, usually times of challenge and crisis, I have come back to
these words, to try and work out what I need to accept, and what I can, and
should, attempt to change.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">As things
stand, in recent weeks I have been compiling a long mental list of things I
must accept. The battles that are not worth fighting.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">My shortlist
of things I must ‘accept’ consists of items both mundane and significant, for
example:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="margin-left: 21.0pt; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">-<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">That
the metallic taste in my mouth, common to many chemotherapy patients, is not
going away. It used to come and go, but now it stays. I am stuck with this
until the end of treatment and beyond. Let’s say three more months to be realistic.
(Two of treatment and one for good measure). I miss tasting food and wine
properly. Roll on July.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 21.0pt; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">-<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">That
I have to wear gloves in most parts of my house and definitely outside. Tingly
fingers and the nerve damage that such ‘tingling’ represents is not to be taken
lightly. I may look like a lunatic wearing my woollen mittens to chop
courgette, but it’s better than the alternative.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 21.0pt; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">-<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">That
arguing with my toddler daughter about what she wants to wear each day is not
time or energy well spent. If she wants to wear a pink tutu, under a yellow princess
dress, on top of red trousers so be it. Any who’s to say that head-to-toe navy
and white polka-dots from your socks to your jacket and underpants won’t catch
on as a trend. Maybe she knows something I don’t?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 21.0pt; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">-<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">That
there will be at least 4-6 days every fortnight where I am no use to man nor
beast. I certainly cannot be left in charge of my children. Nor can I be relied
upon to feed myself. Nor am I capable of framing simple sentences. I am a shell
of a human being, and that sucks big style.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">-<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">That
my next holiday in the sunshine will require stoma-friendly clothing. Despite
years of continued exercise to counter my love of chocolate and cake, bikinis
are no longer my faithful friends. Swimsuits all the way.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">-<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">That
I have 4 more chemo cycles to go. Each likely to progress in difficulty as the
side effects accumulate and my body creaks and complains at the recurrent
stressing of its systems and functions. Am dreading each one.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">The list of
course goes on and on. I could make it trivial, or profound. Yet the fact
remains that these are things I must accept and live with. For now.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">The
challenge, of course, is to accept such facts with grace. To silence the devilish
voice in my head that occasionally pipes up to say ‘<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">It isn’t fair’</i> and ‘<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Why me</i>?’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-themecolor: text1;">Fortunately, on my odyssey through the poisonous seas
and choppy waves of chemo, </span><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">I have encountered many positive role models. Individuals who personify
wonderful values and qualities that I wish to successfully emulate. They manage
not only to endure but to thrive despite challenging circumstances, perhaps not
always with ‘grace,’ but certainly stoicism. British stoicism.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">This is
more than the stiff upper-lip of bygone eras and boarding schools. This is the
contagious flame of optimism and survival that says, ‘<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">All will be well’</i> and ‘<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I am
grateful for all that I have</i>’ regardless of my predicament.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">I have not
yet fully mastered this sentiment. At times I can feel it and articulate it loudly.
Yet at others moments I fail. More practice needed I fear.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">And what of
‘courage’ to change? Change is often a close bedfellow of ‘anxiety,’ or ‘fear
of the new and different’.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But change is
not my enemy. I have rarely feared the new or different. In today’s world ‘change’
is a constant. Better to live with it, and to adapt, than to fight the
inevitable.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-QnsBAP3G9CY/WNQtKrM52-I/AAAAAAABdQI/Ye299mCTcwkGGY8jNwyC0UkDHxhstGlAgCLcB/s1600/Screen%2BShot%2B2017-03-23%2Bat%2B20.15.41.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="222" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-QnsBAP3G9CY/WNQtKrM52-I/AAAAAAABdQI/Ye299mCTcwkGGY8jNwyC0UkDHxhstGlAgCLcB/s320/Screen%2BShot%2B2017-03-23%2Bat%2B20.15.41.png" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">The only change
for which I foresee a genuine need for strength and perhaps bravery, is in my
quest to give up sugar. So long have the hallowed purple wrappers of our most
famous chocolatier been my friends. So long have I lent on that friendly yellow
cartoon bear, that bedecks wondrous rubbery, gelatinous morsels of every colour
and shape, for solace and a quick fix. The fight to give such items up fills me
both with emotional and psychological terror. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(I’m talking about Cadburys and Haribo in case you find my language a
little obscure).</i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">The marketing
companies have done a thorough job on me. So closely is that purple foil
associated with my emotional wellbeing, that it have become a default option
for celebration, comfort and commiseration. I am not sure how well equipped I
am to rewire my brain and reposition it as ‘the enemy.’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">I am split
between feeling that ‘<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">a little of what
you fancy does you good’</i> and the certain knowledge that this is one area in
which I will struggle with simple moderation. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">I know for
a fact that I do not have an addictive personality. I can gamble once or twice a
year on the National or the Derby, and win or lose I feel no compulsion to do
it again. The same applies to many other vices; I can pick them up and put them
down with little consequence. Lucky me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Yet for me,
and many others, sugar is different. The mental and psychological associations
are so deeply ingrained that it will take significant work to erase those
grooves in my psyche and brain. From early childhood sugar is used to reward,
to cajole, to comfort. I see myself repeating this pattern with my own
children. Yet a recent article* I read highlighted the fact that processed
sugar sets off the same reactions in the brain as an infant’s response to their
mother’s milk. Pure joy and comfort defined in neural and hormonal pathways. No
wonder we get hooked, and over years those associations deepen and grow.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">But for the
sake of my own health, and that of my family, it is a fight I can and will take
on, once chemotherapy is over. The link between refined sugar, the damage it
causes in the body, and the chain of reactions it can set off is irrefutable. I
am no trained scientist, yet I understand enough to read and comprehend the compelling
body of evidence. Sugar of the refined, processed kind feeds and accelerates
cancer and fuels damaging inflammation. In this instance, less is definitely
more.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">And so I
will make the necessary changes. Just not yet. I have enough on my hands for now.
Wisdom tells me that I should make the change, but that to do it now will
almost certainly end in failure. The body and mind can only cope with so much
at any one time. Simply dealing with and processing toxic, cancer-fighting
chemicals both physically and mentally is enough. For now.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">And on that
note, with the spring sunshine outside, and my body once more back to some
semblance of strength, I reckon can find the grace to accept my limitations…
for now. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">For now, I
will find the grace to accept my lot. The grace to thank the wondrous NHS, which,
for all its many issues, is providing me with the means to prolong my life and
to reduce the chance of recurrence. I will find the grace and strength to
take on my remaining chemo cycles whilst focusing on the bigger picture; the
phenomenal and immeasurable blessing of having loving family and friends around
me. What is a few more months of intermittent misery when weighed against the
chance enjoy more of the wonderful world we inhabit and to see my children grow
up?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">So I shall
cease my whining. Bring on cycle 9, bring on the swimsuits and bring on the
baking-soda gargles to appease my metallic mouth. Amen to that.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><i>*Source: The
Week (although you can’t see the article unless you subscribe. Sorry!)</i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17638984084499604839noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2062033500065734500.post-29877706209951461352017-02-20T07:05:00.002-08:002017-02-20T07:05:45.424-08:00The bear went over the mountain...<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Those of
you with children will perhaps be familiar with the rhyme <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">‘<i>The bear
went over the mountain, the bear went over the mountain, the bear went over the
mountain to see what he could see…</i>’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">I’ve always
thought the second part of the song was extremely disappointing. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">‘<i>And all
that he could see, and all that he could see…<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><i>Was the
other side of the mountain, the other side of the mountain, the other side of
the mountain…was all that he could see</i>.’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">As I’ve
sung it to my children I have secretly questioned “<i>But what of the view? What else
did he see?</i>” as my well-travelled mind soared to broad panoramas of
snow-crested mountains and deep-crystal lakes glinting in the wintery sun.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-FwMiIvHbbq4/WKsEXYA2KcI/AAAAAAABdPA/Sys6u4EOILEdFqeGF8wK6hbSzarGOtEGwCLcB/s1600/Screen%2BShot%2B2017-02-20%2Bat%2B14.55.29.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="178" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-FwMiIvHbbq4/WKsEXYA2KcI/AAAAAAABdPA/Sys6u4EOILEdFqeGF8wK6hbSzarGOtEGwCLcB/s320/Screen%2BShot%2B2017-02-20%2Bat%2B14.55.29.png" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Yet as
someone who feels they have just scaled a mountain by completing cycle 6 of my
12 cycles of chemotherapy, I can now empathise more keenly with that bear’s
narrow-minded focus.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Don’t get
me wrong. I am pleased to be halfway. That fact is, in and of itself, a
mini-triumph. (I have another fox for my skulk). But all I can think about now
is the long descent ahead, equal in length to the road I have already climbed.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">On some
hill-climbs the descent is an opportunity to accelerate. Who doesn’t enjoy
racing downhill, throwing caution to the wind, the breeze in your face as you
career downwards, slightly out of control, arms aloft and screaming with
exhilaration?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Sadly, my
mountain is not that kind of mountain. There is no fast-forward, carefree option.
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">It looks
set to be a slow and painstaking descent across craggy outcrops and across treacherous
ravines. The descent must be completed at the same speed as I fought my way
upwards.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Like the
bear in the rhyme, (who appears in my mind as the brown, densely-furred, occasionally
grizzly type), speed is not a forte. Trundling along laboriously and
methodically on heavy paws seems sensible and appropriate for both ascent and
descent of this particular mountain. Similarly, focusing on the path ahead,
undistracted by the views, seems logical, no point getting too far ahead of
oneself. The present is where it's at. Sticking to the path and pacing myself.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Yet that
doesn’t mean the journey is wholly without joy. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Far from it.
A slower pace affords more time to smell the proverbial roses, or perhaps given
the season, to appreciate the lilac crocuses that have recently appeared along with
the merry daffodils. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Despite their often sluggish pace and demeanour, bears don’t
just trudge. They dance, they gambol, they play. So too does my bear, when
opportunity presents. When I can, I am all for wrestling toddlers, running in
the sun, splashing in muddy streams, dressing up as a princess and throwing
endless sticks for the dog.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Then there
is also the need to rest. A fact which the bear and I also have in common. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Hibernation
is a must for me, as well as my analogous bear. Clearly the opportunity for
several days or weeks of unbroken, restorative sleep would doubtless be
something many of us would welcome. Unfortunately, my own mini-hibernations are
not quite so comforting. I sleep, yes, but sleep as an escape from perpetual
nausea and grimness. Sleep filled with fevers and chills and sweats and drool.
My breath feels scorching, like a miniature dragon deep in my lungs is testing
out his fire-breathing abilities. It is not pleasant sleep.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">My enforced
retreat from normal life takes me to my attic to hide for a few days. Not quite
a confinement of insanity like the famed madwoman, Bertha, of Jane Eyre’s
creation. Mine is simply a practical choice that affords me space and distance
from others. Unsurprisingly, my state is not one that I wish my children to
witness and remember.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Yet like
all hibernations it offers my body a chance to fight back and recover, and
within days my bear alter-ego emerges, nose twitching at the rediscovery of
smells and tastes. The weakened bear takes tentative steps out into the open,
staying close to home perhaps for a day or so longer, testing his strength,
before forging once more into the world in search of pleasure and joy on his
quest downhill.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">My bear is
also hugely grateful for those that add to his joy along the way. Much as my
bear might appreciate the odd salmon being flung his way, I have been grateful
for soups and lasagnes and biscuits. It has allowed me to save my energy for
climbing and fighting rather than foraging and hunting. In that sense, I am a
lucky bear indeed.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">I have also
been grateful for the physical flowers that adorn my home. Like little pockets
of brightness and colour saying ‘come on’ ‘keep fighting’ ‘well done.’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">I'll be honest. There are
times, increasingly frequent, when I don’t want to climb or fight any more. I
don’t want this fight. I don't want to be brave.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">I want to run downhill in that carefree manner again
without worry and doubt. I don’t have many tears, but as each cycle ends and I
recover, there are always few tears. Sometimes more than a few. A mixture of relief that the worst days
are passing, yet fear and dread at what I know is yet to come.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">But as the shuddering and sobbing subsides I eventually return to two important truths:</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0px;">
<span style="text-indent: -18pt;"><b>1. The fact that I am not alone.</b></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">This whole experience could be tremendously isolating. Yet for me it has
not been. It has been a galvanising of friendships and love on a scale I could
never have imagined. Bonds with both family and friends have been deepened, and
kindnesses etched in stone never to be forgotten. In my weakened and wholly
dependent state I am indebted to others for both the practical and emotional
deeds I cannot accomplish alone. It is incredible humbling and moving to experience such support.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="margin-left: 0cm; mso-add-space: auto;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><b>2. I have many brave and incredible
role models. </b></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="margin-left: 0cm; mso-add-space: auto;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Intense, grim and frustrating though my own experience may be, I
have been fortunate enough to encounter several new heroes and heroines that continually inspire me with their own
courage. Unfortunately our modern world means that I have met many who have
trodden this particular path before, some who have endured far worse, for far
longer, yet they continue to march on with strength and hope.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">In the face
of such truths, what is there to cry about? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">And so the
bear wipes his nose, dries his eyes and trundles off in search of new spring
flowers, whilst he can.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17638984084499604839noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2062033500065734500.post-3537532515559658432017-02-01T08:48:00.000-08:002017-02-01T08:48:08.178-08:00Every day joys<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="m-4421338254694424486p1">
<span class="m-4421338254694424486s1"><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial; font-size: 9.5pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">It would be uber-cliché to say that cancer is a game changer. Of course
it is. We’ve all heard it before. It changes priorities and perspective and ultimately
alters the lens through which you experience life.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="m-4421338254694424486p1">
<span class="m-4421338254694424486s1"><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial; font-size: 9.5pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="m-4421338254694424486p1">
<span class="m-4421338254694424486s1"><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial; font-size: 9.5pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Now that doesn’t mean that everything is now tinged with rose-hued,
beatific light. Nor that I see everything in gloomy shades of blue and grey, but
it does mean I have learnt to appreciate and to ‘bank’ what I call ‘everyday
joys.’ Those technicolour moments that surprise you by jumping out of nowhere
to stop you in your tracks.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="m-4421338254694424486p1">
<span class="m-4421338254694424486s1"><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial; font-size: 9.5pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="m-4421338254694424486p1">
<span class="m-4421338254694424486s1"><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial; font-size: 9.5pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Pre-cancer and chemotherapy, otherwise known as life B.C.C, at the end of
any normal day I could doubtless have more readily reeled off my list of
irritations, worries and annoyances, than shared a catalogue of things that
have made me smile that day.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="m-4421338254694424486p1">
<span class="m-4421338254694424486s1"><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial; font-size: 9.5pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="m-4421338254694424486p1">
<span class="m-4421338254694424486s1"><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial; font-size: 9.5pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Yet, now those little moments that make me smile, so often insignificant
and fleeting, I actively clock, bank and take a mental snapshot to store up for
greyer days. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ZRKsvreXClo/WJHSrkOilEI/AAAAAAABdN4/c50eYOGFDsExRnzF2HIE24QI0q26ocZsgCEw/s1600/Screen%2BShot%2B2017-02-01%2Bat%2B12.20.13.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="183" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ZRKsvreXClo/WJHSrkOilEI/AAAAAAABdN4/c50eYOGFDsExRnzF2HIE24QI0q26ocZsgCEw/s200/Screen%2BShot%2B2017-02-01%2Bat%2B12.20.13.png" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Princess heels</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="m-4421338254694424486p1">
<span class="m-4421338254694424486s1"><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial; font-size: 9.5pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">It could be anything from the heavy clomp, clomp, stompy footfall that
heralds my daughter’s arrival at my bedroom door, clad in over-size,
ill-fitting princess heels and armed with a wand and tiara at 6.45am on a
Saturday morning. Or the uncontrollable, life-affirming giggles of laughter as
my husband chases the kids up the stairs as the Daddy monster. Or simply the
wafting scent and inviting froth of a well-made coffee as I sit at the kitchen
table in peace, alone, for once. <o:p></o:p></span></span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial; font-size: 9.5pt;">And obviously, sunrises.
Always sunrises.</span></div>
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<!--StartFragment--><!--EndFragment--><div class="m-4421338254694424486p1">
<span class="m-4421338254694424486s1"><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial; font-size: 9.5pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="m-4421338254694424486p1">
<span class="m-4421338254694424486s1"><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial; font-size: 9.5pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">These experiences are not the stuff on which legends are founded. They
do not involve great courage, resilience, nor mental and physical fortitude. At
the moment, for me, Herculean endeavours like summiting mountains or sailing the
oceans feel out of reach, such feats exist somewhere beyond the chemotherapy timetable
of poison, recover, repeat. But these mini-triumphs, these ‘everyday joys’ are
all around me.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="m-4421338254694424486p1">
<span class="m-4421338254694424486s1"><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial; font-size: 9.5pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="m-4421338254694424486p1">
<span class="m-4421338254694424486s1"><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial; font-size: 9.5pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">In the last few days some of my great everyday joys include the
following:<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="m-4421338254694424486p1">
<span class="m-4421338254694424486s1"><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial; font-size: 9.5pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Watching my daughter scoot halfway to nursery. Totally mundane to some,
but my daughter is inherently lazy. If there is a buggy to sit in, she will
sit. If there is set of shoulders to ride on, she’ll demand that option. If no
alternative to walking is offered, she’ll sit down in protest or demand to go
in the car. She’s a persistent creature and through my own ‘weakness,’ namely a
desire to (occasionally) arrive on time, or in fact to get anywhere, I often
concede to the easy option. So, it was with immense pride, joy and surprise that
I witnessed my daughter not only opt to take her scooter to nursery, but
actually get beyond the driveway and HALFWAY to nursery before any
protestations were uttered.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="m-4421338254694424486p1">
<span class="m-4421338254694424486s1"><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial; font-size: 9.5pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="m-4421338254694424486p1">
<span class="m-4421338254694424486s1"><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial; font-size: 9.5pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">A second moment of ‘joy’ was returning home from a recent hospital trip
to be greeted by my loving spaniel offering not one…but two slippers! A minor
miracle? Or perhaps a sheer fluke? But given that my slippers are often
distributed around the house by said loving spaniel and deposited / hidden as
single items, my euphoria at being handed TWO slippers was very high.</span></span><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial; font-size: 9.5pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="m-4421338254694424486p1">
<span class="m-4421338254694424486s1"><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial; font-size: 9.5pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="m-4421338254694424486p1">
<span class="m-4421338254694424486s1"><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial; font-size: 9.5pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">The thing is, when you start counting, it’s almost staggering how much ‘joy’
there is in each and every day. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="m-4421338254694424486p1">
<span class="m-4421338254694424486s1"><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial; font-size: 9.5pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><br /></span></span></div>
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-a_h4E9SwMoo/WJHhJLGe6aI/AAAAAAABdOE/NwFqfRklKOwyQKTaU8Qy8XvFUckX7Jb_QCLcB/s1600/IMG_4257.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-a_h4E9SwMoo/WJHhJLGe6aI/AAAAAAABdOE/NwFqfRklKOwyQKTaU8Qy8XvFUckX7Jb_QCLcB/s200/IMG_4257.JPG" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Crunchy ice</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="m-4421338254694424486p1">
<span class="m-4421338254694424486s1"><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial; font-size: 9.5pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">A cursory glance at the snowdrops, now beginning to peak their heads up
through the wintery soil. A proper old-fashioned letter from a friend that
arrives with the morning post. Being solemnly presented with a soft toy by my
toddler son, repeating his latest word ‘owl.’ The satisfying crunch of cracking
the surface of icy puddles. Blissful yoga stretching to release long held
tensions. Minutes spent jumping up and down to pop bubble wrap. The list is endless.
All everyday moments that make my world a better, happier place.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="m-4421338254694424486p1">
<span class="m-4421338254694424486s1"><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial; font-size: 9.5pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="m-4421338254694424486p1">
<span class="m-4421338254694424486s1"><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial; font-size: 9.5pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">I might have briefly noted and enjoyed such moments before, but I have never
actively sought to count them, or to click the shutter in my mind’s eye and
ensure that I’ve stored and filed these moments under ‘joy.’ A new memory trick
to aid recall when I need them most. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="m-4421338254694424486p1">
<span class="m-4421338254694424486s1"><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial; font-size: 9.5pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="m-4421338254694424486p1">
<span class="m-4421338254694424486s1"><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial; font-size: 9.5pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">What has only recently struck me about such moments is the unplanned and
unexpected nature of these incidents. It has reminded me of the need to allow
space and time for spontaneity in my life.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="m-4421338254694424486p1">
<span class="m-4421338254694424486s1"><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial; font-size: 9.5pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="m-4421338254694424486p1">
<span class="m-4421338254694424486s1"><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial; font-size: 9.5pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">I am often guilty, as we doubtless all are (to some extent), over planning
and controlling my life. Trying to ensure I know what is happening and when, listing
out what I need to achieve each day, making sure I have packed for every
eventuality (e.g. extra clothes in my giant backpack for emergency scenarios
like ‘falling over in a muddy puddle’).<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="m-4421338254694424486p1">
<span class="m-4421338254694424486s1"><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial; font-size: 9.5pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="m-4421338254694424486p1">
<span class="m-4421338254694424486s1"><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial; font-size: 9.5pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">This preparedness is not a trait I wish to curb, but I have realised
that often my favourite memories arise from a distinct lack of planning. And
with a lack of planning comes the absence of expectation. The child-friendly
afternoon BBQ that morphed into a bar crawl and dancing til dawn was insanely
fun. The morning coffee/play date that turned into lunch and a full day of co-parenting
toddlers until bathtime was a positive bonding experience. The unexpected hour
of comedy that arose from messing about with traffic cones in a deserted car
park brought chuckles and chortles galore.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="m-4421338254694424486p1">
<span class="m-4421338254694424486s1"><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial; font-size: 9.5pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="m-4421338254694424486p1">
<span class="m-4421338254694424486s1"><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial; font-size: 9.5pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Admittedly, planning can work out well too. Sometimes, when I have
planned a lovely day of activities for the kids, it has all gone swimmingly,
and it has indeed been a wonderful day. But all too often I let ‘the plan’
override a change in circumstances and plough on belligerently with ‘the plan’
rather than changing course.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="m-4421338254694424486p1">
<span class="m-4421338254694424486s1"><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial; font-size: 9.5pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="m-4421338254694424486p1">
<span class="m-4421338254694424486s1"><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial; font-size: 9.5pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">A recent example for you. Following a glorious, sunny, winters day last
week, a friend and I organised a trip to a local National Trust property for
the following day. Nothing complicated, but we assumed similar cold but sunny
weather. When morning came with its glacial frost, chilly fog and biting wind,
I continued with Plan A, armed with scarves, gloves, snacks and snowsuits;
certain that fun was to be had by getting everyone outside.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="m-4421338254694424486p1">
<span class="m-4421338254694424486s1"><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial; font-size: 9.5pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="m-4421338254694424486p1">
<span class="m-4421338254694424486s1"><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial; font-size: 9.5pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Not so. Minutes from the car I had two kids screaming with cold finger
and streaming with snot. But did I turn back? No. I carried the children
onwards to the windswept playground, convinced that running around would solve
the problem and warm everyone up. Wrong again. One hour later despite snacks, cajoling
and my best attempts at distraction, the level of persistent wailing had
reached that uncontrollable pitch that grates on your very soul. Defeated and
guilty I headed home, and the day was only salvaged by a roaring fire, a
delicious lasagne and a movie session. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="m-4421338254694424486p1">
<span class="m-4421338254694424486s1"><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial; font-size: 9.5pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="m-4421338254694424486p1">
<span class="m-4421338254694424486s1"><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial; font-size: 9.5pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">‘Idiot’ I thought to myself for hours afterwards, but sometimes it’s
hard to change plans and to concede that what could, and should, have been fun,
was an unmitigated disaster.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="m-4421338254694424486p1">
<span class="m-4421338254694424486s1"><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial; font-size: 9.5pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="m-4421338254694424486p1">
<span class="m-4421338254694424486s1"><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial; font-size: 9.5pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Chemotherapy means that I can’t and daren’t plan too far ahead. Far
better to keep it simple. Be content to revel and relish in the everyday
moments of joy (that intersperse and offset the inevitable moments of
irritation and annoyance).<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="m-4421338254694424486p1">
<span class="m-4421338254694424486s1"><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial; font-size: 9.5pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<div class="m-4421338254694424486p1">
<span class="m-4421338254694424486s1"><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial; font-size: 9.5pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">And so my latest life lesson is to be more flexible about my plans, to
set expectations aside and carve out space and time for the unexpected. For you
never know what is around life’s next corner, and every day joy has much to
recommend it.</span></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-bux76Ukggk8/WJIRMrhekZI/AAAAAAABdOU/xyrWVkfIODUoUWDn4cQeJxBU5SDKTjPYQCLcB/s1600/IMG_3626.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-bux76Ukggk8/WJIRMrhekZI/AAAAAAABdOU/xyrWVkfIODUoUWDn4cQeJxBU5SDKTjPYQCLcB/s1600/IMG_3626.JPG" /></a></div>
<o:p></o:p></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17638984084499604839noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2062033500065734500.post-37653491877098343542017-01-24T00:26:00.002-08:002017-01-24T00:26:58.275-08:00Cycle 4 - On preparedness...and foxes.<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-poeGNj6kPzA/WIcOocsRyvI/AAAAAAABdM8/CtZA78shqs0k4gYqmSoxfpcAeFNvhDgwwCLcB/s1600/IMG_6328.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-poeGNj6kPzA/WIcOocsRyvI/AAAAAAABdM8/CtZA78shqs0k4gYqmSoxfpcAeFNvhDgwwCLcB/s320/IMG_6328.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><span style="color: #666666;">It was
inevitable that at some point in this unpleasant journey through the wastelands
of chemotherapy that there would be deviations from the main road. I didn’t
think I’d miss the customary fortnightly way-markers of Cycle X, Pump Off, Line
Flush, Blood Test, repeat, but it turns out that predictability is good in this
scenario. This cycle, feeling feverish, I unintentionally meandered off the
main highway into a cul-de-sac and collapsed against a proverbial brick wall
for a while before realising that I needed to call for help.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><span style="color: #666666;">The 24hr nationwide
oncology helpline is amazing. In tone and manner and advice they were spot on. Reassuring,
comforting, yet firm. They know that no one wants to be admitted to hospital,
but they gave me strict boundaries. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><span style="color: #666666;">“<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Tonight, if your temperature goes up you
will have to go to hospital</i>”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><span style="color: #666666;">“<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Take the antibiotics, cool down and we will
call in 30mins, then in 60mins to check up on your temperature</i>.” <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><span style="color: #666666;">Mercifully I
got to stay home thanks to some broad-spectrum antibiotics I happened to
extract from a dusty corner of my medicine cabinet, somewhat out of date, but
hey! (<i>I did mention this fact to the helpline in case you were wondering</i>). But
we all agreed that sleeping in one’s own bed is far more likely to enable rest
and recovery that the winking, bleeping, semi-darkness of a hospital ward. It
felt like a stay of execution.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><span style="color: #666666;">The
following morning during a blood test the acute oncology nurse told me that she
meets almost everyone at some point. Toxicity and infections lead everyone to
her door, largely begging a reprieve from unmanageable symptoms and spiky
temperatures. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><span style="color: #666666;">Thus far
I’ve been ‘lucky.’ I have made it through three cycles without complications –
feeling sick-as-a-dog, curled up in the foetal position for days like
death-warmed-up doesn’t count by the way. This cycle, with permission, I
tinkered with my anti-emetic drugs, desperately trying to avoid the insomnia
and subsequent depression caused by the evil steroids. It worked, but at what
cost? I have been able to sleep better but maybe it had knock on effects? Or
perhaps it’s not linked at all? Stop stressing Kim, you’ll never know.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><span style="color: #666666;">Anyway, it
turned out I was neutropenic. That means that I have no first line of defence
against infections, low neutrophils make you vulnerable. Mine flirted on the
edge of hospital admission. At less than 0.5 they’d have to admit me. Mine were
0.5.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><span style="color: #666666;">I didn’t
want to be admitted. The nurse didn’t really want to admit me. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><span style="color: #666666;">As a first-time
offender we settled on a compromise: in-date antibiotics, further blood tests
on Monday, and an injection to stimulate the bone marrow to produce more neutrophils
and white blood cells. Home, but exhausted I have become hypersensitive to
every twinge and tweak of my body, the ear thermometer now close at hand to
keep checking my stupid temperature. It’s hard not become paranoid.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><span style="color: #666666;">On the
upside, cycle 4 is now complete. There are no more chemotherapy drugs to take
for another eight days. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><span style="color: #666666;">This is now
the point where a new plush fox can officially join the skulk of foxes above my
bed (and yes, skulk, is the collective noun for foxes).<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><span style="color: #666666;">This fox
ritual arose somewhat spontaneously when a wonderful friend sent me my first
plush fox after reading my FULFOX blog. The second and third foxes joined
thanks to the magic of internet cookies as I perused a well-known retailer during
the January Sales. Suddenly ‘sitting fox’ and ‘running fox’ popped up as
greatly reduced items in my side bar and in my mind a ritual was born. In my
craving for visual and physical manifestations of progress on this journey, an
extra fox above my bed seemed perfect as a metaphor for how far I have come. A
new fox for each completed treatment. My lovely friend who sent the first fox
and thus inspired this idea has gleefully offered to become my fox-catcher
every fortnight (although should anyone else wish to join the fox ‘hunt’ then
message me and I’ll put you in touch!).<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><span style="color: #666666;">My children
are thrilled at the prospect of more soft toys in the house. I am thrilled with
my visual progress check every time I go to bed. My husband is less pleased by
the prospect of 12 foxes on our bedhead. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><span style="color: #666666;">I’ve
reassured him that they will be relocated once this is all over, ideally to a
large Perspex box, like an art exhibit where each fox is nailed to a plank…but
that’s probably a little macabre for toddlers. Am not sure I could face the
tears and cries of ‘Poor fox’ ‘What happened?’…and actually some of the cuddly
foxes are very endearning. ‘Running fox’ and ‘sitting fox’ not so much. They are
now dubbed ‘pregnant fox’ and ‘toilet fox.’ (Basically, I can see why they were
reduced).<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><span style="color: #666666;">Anyway,
foxes aside, the lesson from this cycle is that I need to be better prepared
and more vigilant. Less blasé <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>‘it’ll be
fine’ and more ‘just-in-case’ activity. More fruit and veg to boost the immune
system, more rigorous use of hand-gel to eradicate germs, less kissing and
hugging (which is a difficult habit to break as hugs offer such great solace)
and I will be now packing a hospital bag. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><span style="color: #666666;">Much like
you are advised to do when pregnant, I think chemotherapy patients should be
advised to pack a bag. Anyone who has ever been through an emergency admission
and unexpected hospital stay will know how trying it is not to have your own
useful things, and you rarely remember what you want, or need, when asked by
visitors as pain-killers, medication and sleep deprivation addle the brain.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><span style="color: #666666;">After
surgery it took me nearly a week to get close to a full set of essentials like
underwear, slippers, toothbrush, shampoo, headphones, blindfold and semi-appropriate
nightwear (by which I meant anything that permits semi-dignity given the mess
of IV lines, cannulas, drains, catheters and routine observations), etc. I’m
not sure I ever achieved the nightwear solution and recall being distinctly
embarrassed when interacting with my wonderful, dignified Muslim ward-buddy and
her (clearly embarrassed) family as I sat, day and night, in a hastily grabbed
item from the family airing cupboard that left little to the imagination. In
fact, I never remembered to ask for a washbag, so I recall shuffling to the
shower with my toiletries in an empty Interflora box tucked under one arm,
pushing my wheelie-stand of IV drips with the other. As a final nail in the
coffin of unpreparedness, I finally left hospital with four overfilled gift-bags
and three flower boxes chocfull of my amassed possessions, instead of a
sensible holdall, as no one had thought to bring me one, and I hadn’t
articulated the need.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><span style="color: #666666;">So,
‘just-in-case’ I will be packing a proper hospital bag that hopefully, much
like my maternity bag I will never need to use. I’m not sure what packing list
they give you for elective surgeries, but surely they should do the same for
chemotherapy patients? That way I never be without clean underwear and
dignified clothing again. On the subject of the latter, research
and good fortune have lead me to the discovery of <a href="http://ingawellbeing.com/" target="_blank">INGA,</a> a new company specialising
in stylish, comfortable, hospital-appropriate clothing, cleverly designed to accommodate all
those medical interferences and annoyances whilst preserving dignity. Guess
what I will be packing as one of my luxury items… ‘just-in-case’?<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #666666;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">And so
hurrah for surviving cycle 4 and w</span>elcome to
my new fox, Sammy.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><span style="color: #666666;">And this week I am feeling tremendously grateful for having escaped hospital (this time) and for the reminder
to be more prepared. A lesson I will perhaps be transferring to other parts of
my life too?!</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17638984084499604839noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2062033500065734500.post-78618289603345110432017-01-09T09:58:00.000-08:002017-01-09T09:58:01.895-08:00The challenge of presence<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="toa heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Bullet"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Bullet 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Bullet 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Bullet 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Bullet 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="10" QFormat="true" Name="Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Closing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Signature"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Default Paragraph Font"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Message Header"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="11" QFormat="true" Name="Subtitle"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Salutation"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Date"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text First Indent"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text First Indent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Block Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Hyperlink"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="FollowedHyperlink"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="22" QFormat="true" Name="Strong"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="20" QFormat="true" Name="Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Document Map"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Plain Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="E-mail Signature"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Top of Form"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Bottom of Form"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Normal (Web)"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Acronym"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Address"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Cite"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Code"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Definition"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Keyboard"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Preformatted"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Sample"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Typewriter"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Variable"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Normal Table"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="annotation subject"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="No List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Contemporary"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Elegant"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Professional"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Subtle 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Subtle 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Balloon Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="Table Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Theme"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Placeholder Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" QFormat="true" Name="No Spacing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Revision"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="34" QFormat="true"
Name="List Paragraph"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="29" QFormat="true" Name="Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="30" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" QFormat="true"
Name="Subtle Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" QFormat="true"
Name="Subtle Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Bibliography"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="41" Name="Plain Table 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="42" Name="Plain Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="43" Name="Plain Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="44" Name="Plain Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="45" Name="Plain Table 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="40" Name="Grid Table Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="Grid Table 1 Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52" Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 6"/>
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<!--StartFragment-->
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-FuqDugiMvKg/WHPPAcYDLbI/AAAAAAABdLM/kqXhHsCSRrgYUuf2CKMsjRn8aUTiKMTCQCLcB/s1600/Screen%2BShot%2B2017-01-09%2Bat%2B17.46.13.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="206" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-FuqDugiMvKg/WHPPAcYDLbI/AAAAAAABdLM/kqXhHsCSRrgYUuf2CKMsjRn8aUTiKMTCQCLcB/s320/Screen%2BShot%2B2017-01-09%2Bat%2B17.46.13.png" width="320" /></a><span lang="EN-GB">Today I am
grateful for the fact that I actually feel sentient and relatively normal.
Today I have the capacity to be present.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Presence is
a bit of a buzzword right now. At every turn it seems I am reminded of the
importance of this moment, this breath, this present experience.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">I am not in
disagreement with the concept of being more present. In fact, I readily enjoy
the 5-10mins I set aside each day to meditate and to try and be ‘in the moment’
and focus on my breath and body. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Yet for three
reasons I find it difficult to remain ‘present’ at the moment.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">My first
challenge, common to many, can be summarised as ‘modern life.’ A friend
recently told me that their only New Year’s resolution was to be more present.
Less multi-tasking generally. Less scrolling through emails whilst
simultaneously trying to cook dinner, less perusal of social media whilst
pushing kids on the swings, less texting from the bathroom. It is no wonder
that Microsoft’s report last year announced that our attention span had dwindled
to a pathetic 8 seconds, less than that of a humble goldfish.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Yet it’s
become a habit and a reflex. The moment we experience almost any pause in
proceedings, there is that instinctive twitch towards your handbag or pocket
for the smartphone. An instinct to fill those minutes that might potentially be
wasted, an urge to be productive whilst the kettle boils, or whilst your
partner leaves the restaurant table to go to the toilet. I am as guilty as
anyone of this, but I rarely stop to consider why I’m doing it or what I might
achieve if I just sat peacefully for a moment. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">(As an
aside, I tried it the other day and rediscovered the lost art of people
watching; rich pickings included a couple clearly on a first date, their body
language full of energy, expression, flirtation and a desire to impress. Food
for thought indeed).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">My second
challenge with ‘being present’ is related to memory and photography.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Taking
photos has long been a hobby and passion of mine. I love good photos. They act
as triggers for memories past. A good photo can evoke not only emotions but the
whole scene, the full story. To others that imperfect snapshot with faces
blurred may look like a rubbish family photo ripe for deletion, but I know that
we were all smiling because much to my protestation my son had been brumming
his toy car noisily and violently over my face and chest. A carefree moment
long before the world of cancer treatment loomed into my life. That’s the
private back story, the truth of an image speaking a thousand words, but
perhaps only to me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Only my
desire to capture such moments has deteriorated into something less appealing. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">I am
probably the first to pull out the camera phone to record what is happening on
a daily basis, and I truly love looking back at these moments later on, be that
hours, days or years later. But by virtue of being behind the camera I am
rarely in the photos, not indeed totally present in the scene. The scene may be
entertaining, poignant, hilarious, but my own experience of that moment was inhibited
by a barrier. Be that a traditional lens or a screen, either way, one could
argue that I was not really fully partaking in the moment, that I was not
really ‘present.’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">I’m not
sure how I break this habit. I would be hard pressed to give up the photos that
my habit generates, but perhaps rather than taking 20 shots, or video clips
that I am quite frankly never going to have time to edit and will simply sit
eating up memory capacity for many years hence, perhaps I should impose a
numerical limit and some rules?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Of course
the sneaky commercial companies are one step ahead of the game. Hot on the
heels of the selfie stick is the voice activated camera. `You’ve probably all
see the adverts. You set up the tripod and camera, and tell it to record so you
can be in the shot, not just behind a lens observing. Cunning and tempting. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">However, it
may come as no surprise to hear that my third and <u>greatest</u> challenge to ‘being
present’ is my health. Particularly through this third session of chemotherapy
I have been acutely aware of my mental and physical absence. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">This
feeling is doubtless common to many health conditions be they physical or
mental; either the body or the mind fails its owner temporarily of sometimes,
permanently. It is a difficult experience to endure. It feels like checking out
of life for several days, not through want, but through necessity. An enforced hibernation
without the upside of welcome and restorative sleep.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">One dubious
positive of chemotherapy is that it is becoming slightly predictable. Whilst I
am only on my third session of twelve, I knew what was coming this time. And I dreaded
it, as I doubtless will each time.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">The
impending misery feels like a predator lurking high above me. I can’t see it,
but I feel the menace in the air. It watches me for a while, lurks in the
shadows and I know it will pounce soon enough. But knowing what will happen
does little to stop it feeling like an ambush. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">One moment
I am fine, sitting at the kitchen table discussing the trivialities of packed
lunch planning. The next, the sneaky white animal has descended like fog from a
mountain-top, muffling my brain and sapping my energy. It is all I can do to
crawl upstairs to bed.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">I know from
experience that this particular animal will hold me fast for days. Occasionally
it might allow me a brief reprieve, a gasp of air, a moment of lucidity when I
may feel present. On occasions it permits me interludes of joy, an hour to seek
out the childish pleasure of <a href="https://www.instagram.com/p/BO5bpWngtqCURaOKc20wc6as3cfr0qQVkq_eog0/?taken-by=kimberleyburbidge" target="_blank">crunching musical ice-puddles </a>in the chilly sunshine. But
for at least five days, it will toy with me. Tease me that I might soon be able
escape and to breathe…only to ensnare me again minutes later.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">This sneaky
creature appears in my mind as a mean, white cat. Few other animals are known
to toy so mercilessly with their quarry. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">In a
cartoon version of my life, the mouse (me) peers out from below the heavy feline
paw under which it is pinned. It can sense freedom just beyond those sharp
claws. For a moment the cat teases, the claws retract, the mouse darts forward
and tastes fresh air. But it is merely a game. The weighted paw crashes down on
the mouse slamming air from lungs and crushing both the spirit and soul. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Future attempts
at escape are increasingly halting and tentative. Why bother if you know you
cannot succeed? But my mouse will try until I can try no more. It uses every
available ounce of strength to fight for those fleeting moments of joy in the
midst of incarceration. My mouse is buoyed by each sunrise and by the promise
of each new dawn being a day closer to salvation.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">For a couple
of days it almost feels like the predator has won. My spirit is artificially broken
by drugs and all I can do I lie listless and still under the predator’s
watchful gaze. Waiting, and hoping.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">And then
just as suddenly as this menace arrives it will vanish. Drawn perhaps to fresher,
more tempting prey. At the point where I am almost incapable of thought or
movement, almost defeated, it leaves and then I can recover. Until next time.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">This
fortnightly checking out process sucks. It’s not a choice, like a yoga retreat
or a meditation seminar. The drugs temporarily suspend my ability to be present
and I have to fight for every minute of sunlight in those dark moments.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">I know that
many around the world have, and continue to, endure things far worse that my
own experience. I am lucky that my enforced absence is so temporary. However
miserable it seems during those days, I know it will pass…as all things do. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">So whether
you are in the midst of good times or bad, seek out opportunities to break away
from ‘modern life’ and to be present. Truly and fully present, particularly
with your loved ones. In the dark times, these moments of joy are the memories
that will sustain you.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<!--EndFragment--></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17638984084499604839noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2062033500065734500.post-86756938657508111272016-12-31T02:02:00.001-08:002016-12-31T02:08:31.215-08:00Reflections on my chemotherapy Christmas and an alternative end of year message<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-C5DpLkEINR8/WGeDhwbIABI/AAAAAAABdKw/gz5BY1Va2twKmr76dtMHpzSd1SYqTAAmACLcB/s1600/Screen%2BShot%2B2016-12-31%2Bat%2B10.06.02.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="131" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-C5DpLkEINR8/WGeDhwbIABI/AAAAAAABdKw/gz5BY1Va2twKmr76dtMHpzSd1SYqTAAmACLcB/s200/Screen%2BShot%2B2016-12-31%2Bat%2B10.06.02.png" width="200" /></a><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Since
Christmas my fingers have been practically twitching to write. But there have
been other priorities which have taken all my time and my very limited energy.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
</div>
<ul style="text-align: left;">
<li><span lang="EN-GB" style="text-indent: -18pt;">Returning the house to some
semblance of order, which has required multiple trips to Argos and an ill-conceived
and narrowly aborted venture to IKEA for new storage solutions</span></li>
<li><span lang="EN-GB" style="text-indent: -18pt;">Finding homes of the latest influx
of much-treasured, multi-coloured plastic/wood/glitter-coated hoard of toys. (Repeat
above requirements for more inventive storage solutions).</span></li>
<li><span lang="EN-GB" style="text-indent: -18pt;">Finding out how to start and stop
the overly complicated, long-awaited ‘pink doll’ from crying, talking and
wetting herself. Thank you Santa. Oh wait. Only got myself to blame for that
one.</span></li>
<li><span lang="EN-GB" style="text-indent: -18pt;">Inventing genius culinary
combinations to rid the fridge of the turkey carcass and the half-mangled
Stilton which now looks like a garish disused marble quarry, the smooth
rockface hacked at and hewn by teaspoon and cracker into cheesy craggs and crumbs.</span></li>
</ul>
<!--[if !supportLists]--><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">I suspect
my situation is common to many households. After the Christmas mayhem comes the
cathartic clear-up operation. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Only in my
house the build-up and the main event were rather more muted for me this year. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Normally
I’d be belting out Christmas tunes on repeat from early December, writing cards,
decking the hall, etc. More importantly, I’d be re-perfecting the dance moves
painstakingly choreographed by cassette (pause, rewind, repeat) many years past
to Mariah Carey’s ‘<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">All I want for
Christmas is yoooooooouuuuu’</i> ready for the arrival of my festive partner in
crime – my sister. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Only this
year I didn’t have the energy or the inclination for such jollity. On the 23<sup>rd</sup>
I was very much still in the ‘zombie zone’ as I now affectionately term my
‘chemo come-down’ which seems to take around 2-3 days after the 3 days of
active chemotherapy.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">‘Pump-off’
is the joyous moment when I am physically unplugged. Two days on from my
hospital chemo session and I can move around without dragging my bumbag of
drugs with me. However, then follows the decompression period. Kept
artificially high for days with steroids, (which also have the upside of
vomit-prevention), the low is pretty low indeed. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">I’m not
going to lie – I was pretty down about my inability to climb out of bed, to
join in with Christmas meal planning, to enthuse about Santa with my
over-excited daughter. But tears are allowed at Christmas, and my family could
not have been more supportive about my physical and mental limitations this
year.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">It’s an odd
feeling not being able to pull your weight. I know Christmas is all about TEAM.
But my favourite team is the one I’m leading. Luckily years improving my self-awareness
have given me a full understanding of my many weaknesses, and with advancing
years I’m getting better at playing other roles too. I have even (on rare
occasions) successfully played sous-chef. But let’s be honest. Not often.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">So this
Christmas was strange. I didn’t go and collect the turkey and eye-wateringly
expensive fillet of beef. I didn’t peel potatoes. I didn’t wash up. I didn’t plan
or prepare meals, bake mince pies or really do anything useful.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">At some
level this was blissful. You’re probably all screaming at your screens in
jealousy reading this. But if you’re used to being in the trenches, it’s odd
standing was back from the front lines simply observing.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Still. I’m
sure I’ll be back on duty in future years. This is just a blip. Or so I have
reminded myself many times as I’ve sought to enjoy the rest that my body so
desperately needs.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">On the
upside, from the genuine and emotional trough of the 23<sup>rd</sup>, the 24<sup>th</sup>
was an improvement. A cautious and tentative upturn towards mental acuity. I
may even have had the strength to argue for control of the kettle to make a
round of tea mid-afternoon. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">I also made
it to a Crib Service. In my book, Christmas is not Christmas without carol
singing. Midnight Mass is way beyond my bedtime these days, but a
child-friendly nativity number complete with optional fancy dress, audience
participation and carols (minus descants I hasten to add) was pretty lovely. It
was my first real moment of getting ‘in the mood.’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">My second
moment came at 2.28am. Pitter patter of tiny feet on our wooden floor.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">‘<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Mummy? Has Santa been?’<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Me: Groan.
Roll. Grope for phone (2.28am). Big groan. ‘<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I’m
not sure. It’s still nighttime. Go back to bed.</i>’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">No physical
response from daughter. Selective hearing runs in the family.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">‘<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">But are the reindeer on my roof? I think I
heard them.’<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">My inner
child shrieked with festive glee and I relented and invited her to join me in
bed.<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Three hours
and several bedtime (?) stories later and I finally got her back into her own
bed asleep. (Every previous attempt at sleep having been foiled by kicking,
thrashing around, or further curious questions). <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">‘<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Is Yogo (our resident Elf on the Shelf) back
from the North Pole? Where is she today? Have the reindeer eaten my carrots?
Has Santa been to see …. (insert friend / brother / granny / relative name)?</i>’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">All very
endearing and magical. But exhausting. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">I suspect
without this early interruption I might actually have genuinely felt ‘normal’
on Christmas day. But hey, it was worth it for that tiny moment of joy at
2.28am when I too was so very excited by the magic of Christmas that only young
children can truly evoke.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Thrilling
as all of this may be, I will spare you all a blow by blow account of my own
festivities and will instead explain why a Christmas on chemo is not all bad.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Firstly, I
have been spared the temptation of excess drinking. Not worth it. My liver has
enough toxins to process and my taste buds don’t tingle at the thought of port.
I have sipped champagne and various other alcoholic elixirs and enjoyed a mere
nip of each. Done. No hangover for me. (Mental high five!)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">I have also
been spared the guilt that traditionally accompanies festive overeating. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Don’t get
me wrong, I too have overeaten and filled my boots and belly with chocolate,
cheese, beef and all other manner of naughty delicacies. Only I am feeling totally
guilt-free. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Warning: This next part is a little dark</span></i><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Post-surgery
and mid-chemo (how I wish I was truly at the midway through chemo not a mere 2
of 12 sessions down) I am still light. Lighter even than the day I got married.
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Clearly I
would willingly and joyfully take back a stone in weight, maybe even two or
three if I could choose an alternative non-cancer path for myself. But this is
my path, so I may as well revel in the fact that cancer has robbed me of those
pesky excess pounds. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">I have
always wondered who on earth has legs skinny enough to fit into those ‘super
skinny’ jeans in Primark that I once picked up by accident and couldn’t face
the hassle of returning. Now I know. Cancer has few silver linings, but if my
buttocks have miraculously shrunk and people tell me I’m looking good. Well, I
will celebrate that with guilt-free Christmas feasting.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">However, the
biggest cause for celebration is the perspective shift. All the clichés here ring
true, especially at Christmas. At a time when everyone is busy and stressed
enough finishing work, hastily preparing for their own family celebrations,
those that spared a moment to send small tokens of love and support my way will
be forever etched into my heart and memory. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">The
cleansing juice delivered to my doorstep on Christmas eve to aid
detoxification, the freezer food generously prepared by friends, the Christmas
cards that went beyond the standard tidings of goodwill to send personal messages
of hope. These are the things that I will cherish from this Christmas. My
chemo-cancer Christmas. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Thought and
sentiment have always carried more weight for me than lavish gifts. Of course,
being spoilt rotten is glorious (I’d be shooting myself in the foot to say
otherwise). But this year more than ever I’ve realised that the gift of time is
more precious than anything else.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">My
brother-in-law and sister truly slaved for hours in the kitchen to create Christmas
lunch. My mother ran herself ragged for days keeping the kids occupied and
cared for. My husband cleared up again, and again, and again. My list could go
on and on with family members and friends to thank and feel grateful too. I
tried to find the words over Christmas toasts to say ‘thank you’ but I couldn’t
trust my voice not to break up, and tears welled up as I even considered
forming the words aloud. If I’d cried, others would have cried too. So I stayed
quiet.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Every
sunrise photo shared, every text, note and gift has felt poignant to me. Little
things that mean someone has taken a moment, be that seconds, minutes or hours
to show their support.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">As we all reflect
on the year gone past and set expectations for the year ahead my alternative
Christmas message is therefore this. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Humanity is
a wondrous thing. Time is a wonderful gift. Time taken to share and express
your own humanity is glorious indeed. Do it more, each and every day.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17638984084499604839noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2062033500065734500.post-58947767905972282802016-12-20T08:25:00.001-08:002016-12-20T08:25:09.828-08:00An update from 'Chemo Cafe'<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-2QpOQnMvYos/WFlFht6KTiI/AAAAAAABdKQ/PyaUwYLCF_YfTuZXbTcgqYoUnUbnYO_BgCEw/s1600/IMG_4983.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-2QpOQnMvYos/WFlFht6KTiI/AAAAAAABdKQ/PyaUwYLCF_YfTuZXbTcgqYoUnUbnYO_BgCEw/s200/IMG_4983.JPG" width="150" /></a><a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-CqiVqSlihnk/WFlFhH9_7CI/AAAAAAABdKQ/_g4fOsJi3qkzDuHHcFGy_dDEYLC1iKsLgCEw/s1600/IMG_4984.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-CqiVqSlihnk/WFlFhH9_7CI/AAAAAAABdKQ/_g4fOsJi3qkzDuHHcFGy_dDEYLC1iKsLgCEw/s200/IMG_4984.JPG" width="150" /></a><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Today I
have the pleasure of writing to you all LIVE from the chemo ‘cafe.’ Otherwise known as the Chemotherapy Day Centre.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Still no
decent coffee, but my productive achievements of the day whilst getting my fix
of champagne-oxaliplatin, include puzzleing with my mum… AND a huge upgrade to
the Christmasiness of my nails thanks to my wonderful friend who popped in to
Jam me up (a la Darcy Bussell on Strictly) Get your <a href="https://shellsjams.jamberry.com/uk">Jams</a> on people!</span></div>
<br />
As you may
have rightly surmised by my silence on the blogosphere, I’ve been in relatively
good spirits lately.<br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">My writing
tends to be fuelled by the more extreme and spiky ends of the emotional scale,
by the need for catharsis and mental processing time. Any feelings in the
middle ground or towards the positive end of the scale leave me rather less communicative
and inspired to write. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">It has been
ever thus, my teenage journals read like chronicles of misery and angst. You’d
think I’d been tortured by the near life-death experiences of encountering the
attractive and lesser-spotted males of the species. Thankfully absent from the
classroom they haunted the coach park, the car park or the infamous Black Gates
that divided ‘Girls School’ from ‘Boys School.’ It is amazing how your view of life-and-death
experiences changes in a mere 18 years, from ‘<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">He definitely waved at me today, I think I might die of happiness’</i> to
hearing ‘<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I’m sorry you have bowel cancer</i>.’
Genuinely grim.<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> (Incidentally I’m not
sure I wrote the exact former sentence about waving, but doubtless something
similar actually occurred!)</i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Overall this
last week has been marked by a welcome lack of drama and high emotion. There
has been an absence of drugs, side effects and planned hospital visits. For all
of which I am profoundly grateful. No drama is good, I’ve had enough in recent
months.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Perhaps I
simply feel good in direct contrast to the prior week, during which I felt ‘bogging’
after my first chemo session? By ‘bogging’ I mean stuck-in-the-mud, laboured
and effortful. Like trekking in Scotland, where a supposed short cut across
what looked like bouncy and solid heather turns out to involve slow and exhausting
wading, knee-deep in cold, peaty, sludgy mud-water desperately trying not to
lose a boot. The lesson, people? In life there are no short cuts.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">I have at
times in the last few days verged on euphoria at temporarily feeling ‘well’. I
have felt light and joyful, normal and ‘healthy.’ And I have been making the
most of it. Lunches with wonderful friends, extraordinarily early and
unfrenzied Christmas preparations (tree up, presents wrapped under the tree,
turkey ordered, etc), AND I have even been to the gym. Yes, really. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">I ran the
slowest two kilometres that I’ve run in over 20 years, but as the only two kilometres
that I have run since my operation, I was just thrilled to be running. No
matter that it was on a treadmill and not outside, it was a test run for my
body. To see how the stoma and my abdominals felt in motion, under impact. To
see whether my Hickman line, the white tube hanging from my chest would
irritate me. It did. But not enough to make me hit the ‘stop’ button on the
machine. A moral and physical victory.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Maybe one
day I’ll get used to the line. For now, I’m grateful that despite that fact
that it dangles tantalisingly from my clavicle like a bathroom light pull-cord,
my 18 month old son hasn’t properly clocked it. Given his recent reactions to
fairy lights, baubles in fact anything that moves and doesn’t move. His
ignorance is definitely my bliss. His standard techniques of highly physical
exploration include yanking, pulling, chewing. All of which would be pretty
unwelcome.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Not one
usually prone to paranoia I find myself perpetually checking the strange,
transparent sandwich dressing that covers the chest wound. Is the skin redder
than yesterday? More itchy than a few hours ago? Has my ridiculous and wholly
inadequate plastic bag – sellotape contraption adequately protected it from
water during pathetic attempts to shower and keep it dry? (<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Disclosure: I even went to the hairdresser for a full wash-cut-blowdry
this week to avoid washing my own hair as I haven’t figured out how to do this
properly yet and dry shampoo only covers so many days of sin.)</i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">But
seriously, both chemotherapy and the Hickman line have made me paranoid. And
paranoia interferes with my sleep. I wake up in a cold sweat wondering if I’m
getting a fever, or whether it’s actually just sleeping adjacent to my furnace-like
husband? I have to reach for the ear thermometer to check I’ve not hit the
chemo-red-alert level of 37.5 (which is a pretty low bar to be honest, I’d
barely give my kids Calpol for that!).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">You could
argue that a high state of alert is good. The evidence related to high risk of
infection in indisputable as chemotherapy damages your immune system. However,
life is not easily sanitised, especially as mine includes little people.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">My grubby
little urchins <u>still</u><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> </i>fail to
consistently wash their hands despite a prolonged campaign involving coercion,
bribery and stickers (obviously). And even if they do we seem to be hit almost
weekly by some virus. Winter, nursery, soft play…but what can you do? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">I have furnished
my house with vats of sanitising gel, poised in defence, like pots of burning
pitch on the battlements of an ancient castle. Ready to fight germs and snot. But
really? When faced with a vomiting child, desperate to crawl onto Mummy’s lap
for comfort and nuzzle under in the crook of my shoulder, I have neither the
inclination nor the strength of will to say ‘<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Of course darling. Just wait until Mummy reaches for a face mask, antibacterial
gel and rubber gloves</i>.’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 68.8pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Solitary
confinement until the crocuses break through the earth’s surface and the
viruses shrink back into dormancy like little vampires in the pale spring
sunshine doesn’t appeal either. Clearly getting through chemotherapy is about
risk mitigation and conscious choices. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Can I eat
more vitamin-rich vegetables and fruit and ensure my diet is chock full of
immune boosting foods? Yes siree. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Can I (reluctantly)
avoid environments where the enclosed space, the throng of people and the
specific microclimates like the pressurised cabin of an aeroplane, the humid
misty sanctuary of the hot yoga studio, the damp warmth of the swimming pool
changing room all raise the stakes of transmitting and receiving unwelcome
infections? Yes. (Although I’m pretty gutted about the hot yoga AND the
flying).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Can I
continue carrying around hand gel and using it as much as possible? OK. If it
helps, then I will. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Beyond that,
and dosing everyone around me up on vitamins, there is not much more I can do
but hope.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 68.8pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 68.8pt;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">So today, as I sit attached to my latest fix I am trying <u>not</u> to
worry about infections or side effects over the next few days and weeks. What
will be will be. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 68.8pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 68.8pt;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">I am reassured by the fact that I have family to help with final
preparations for the Christmas festivities, plenty of distraction and
entertainment for the kids should I need to bow out and take a nap, so really
there is nothing to worry about. Hopefully, like all of you, Christmas will be
a relaxing and cheerful affair. A time to enjoy good food, good company and
possibly even some snow if the weather reports are to be believed?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 68.8pt;">
<br /></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 68.8pt;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">In case I don't manage to blog again as the drugs do their work, let me wish a happy chemo Christmas to you all. x<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17638984084499604839noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2062033500065734500.post-84254894071386211292016-12-11T12:50:00.002-08:002016-12-11T12:50:38.248-08:00The train has left the station..<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">So the
train has now properly left the station. Chemotherapy has begun. A somewhat
noxious cocktail of 5FU & Oxaliplatin ingested intermittently over six
months, but I am on board, physically and mentally. Grateful to be off the metaphorical
platform, minor delays almost (but not entirely) totally forgotten. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Physically
getting on the train, destination not quite certain, route yet to be
determined, proved to be less challenging than anticipated when the moment
finally arrived last Tuesday morning. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-GZ46hY6eR6Y/WE275qxzgZI/AAAAAAABdJo/gWZd84C45k81dHQGMRx_-PQt-4Js3nZ0QCLcB/s1600/Screen%2BShot%2B2016-12-11%2Bat%2B20.41.44.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-GZ46hY6eR6Y/WE275qxzgZI/AAAAAAABdJo/gWZd84C45k81dHQGMRx_-PQt-4Js3nZ0QCLcB/s320/Screen%2BShot%2B2016-12-11%2Bat%2B20.41.44.png" width="320" /></a><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">It turns
out that if an unexpectedly large throng of well-wishers, both familiar and
less so, pitch up to wave you off, cheer you on and wish you well on your
journey, then your emotions change. Apprehension vanishes in an instant and
fears withers, smothered by a warm blanket of human kindness. A veritable a superhero
cape to vanquish evil, doubt and mental wobbles. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(I have been deeply humbled by your amazing support. Thank you all.)</i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Cape on, I
embarked on my journey. My companions for the journey, fellow patients and clinical
staff. As anyone who has ever come across their breed will tell you, oncology
nurses rock. They really are the best. Their compassion, humour and
professionalism offers reassurance and comfort. The camaraderie both between
nurses, and between patients, in spite of the situation, is almost tangible. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Whilst NHS
headlines convey a dependence on expensive agency staff and talented migrants,
the chemotherapy day centre proved to be a welcome anomaly. Staff turnover
appears incredibly low; my wonderful, competent and dedicated nurse had done 25
years, another one 15 years, another 10 years…and so it went on. Like a remote
and wonderful desert island, a refuge against parts of the NHS that are drowning
/ sinking / lost at sea with debts and infrastructure threatening to overwhelm
the amazing culture and people that survive and thrive within its bounds.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Whilst I
may still fear the side effects and the extent to which they will build with
each passing treatment, the chemotherapy day-care unit holds no demons now for
me. Just more examples of positivity, patience and humanity. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Fellow
patients have different cocktails, different diagnoses, different prognoses…but
I couldn’t guess a thing from those I spoke to or interacted with. Most joked,
laughed, read the papers with loved ones, surfed the internet. Apart from the
cytotoxic drugs, the lines, machines, the jaunty, out-modish hospital furniture
and the lack of an extensive, pretentious hot beverage selection, I could have
almost been sat in a bustling coffee shop for the day.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">After a relatively
productive day of Christmas shopping, reading, puzzles, etc. I came home
shrouded in woolly scarves and a hat to ward off the winter chill. A cool, supposedly
hydrating, glass of water was a sharp reminder that the drugs were at work. My
throat constricted quickly. Never has luke warm water from the kitchen tap been
so welcome!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">In the days
that have followed I have come to understand the term ‘chemo brain.’ It feels
much like ‘baby brain’ but more pervasive and persistent, like a fog of apathy
and lethargy that materialises unexpectedly like a magical morning mist over a river
or valley. Only these tendrils of cloudlike fug fail to evaporate, they
conspire to hold your brain in their fuzzy clutches, shrouding one from clear
thoughts and feelings. Impermeable and opaque. Functioning, but not fully
functioning.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">I guess
that’s why they say cancer is a mental game. You have to force yourself to get
up and get going, use the mind to override the body’s torpor. Clearly not
pushing the body too far, but out of bed at least, around the block with the
dog, downstairs to play hide-and-seek with the kids. Fresh air and endorphins
help to carve a break in those clouds.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Two days
later I was thrilled to return to hospital and remove my natty bum bag. Stylish
though it is in midnight blue neoprene, 48 hours in its company was more than
enough for me. For now. Tangled up in its omnipresent lines as I tossed and
turned in bed, amped up by anti-emetic steroids to counter the nausea-inducing
5FU it was simply another irritation to prevent much needed rest. I’m glad it’s
off for a while. Its removal marked the conclusion to active Chemotherapy Session
1.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Hospital
stint done, wound cleaned up, first proper shower in eons, then a chance for
the bodily systems to respond, to deliberate, to react. Drugs in. Cells die. Immune
system stunned and stressed and then a brief lull to recover before Session 2.
For a while I felt everything was stressed. Several days of feeling groggy,
tired, nauseous, but just about human. In all honesty I’ve had hangovers that
have felt worse, but none that have lasted this long. (Guess that’s what
happens if you’re hooked up to champagne for three days straight?!)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Finally, on
Day 5, system finally flushed of drugs and steroids I slept AND I woke up
feeling normal. A slightly alien feeling, but most welcome. A little like my proverbial
choo choo train emerging out of a lengthy tunnel into dazzling sunshine. My
royal blue engine with brass whistles, valves and fixings (for that is how I
envisage it) tooted its horn in joyful, celebratory fashion as it careered on
down the hill to a day of genuine enjoyment and festive fun with the kids.
Hooray for feeling normal and for the opportunity to stroke the velvety antlers
of real life reindeer (inner child beaming). <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">I’m assured
that over time my own chemo-routine will become clear. Maybe three days amped
up and hyper, two days of fug, one day of exhaustion…followed ideally by
normality? Such predictability would be oddly welcome, counter although it runs
to my preferred modus operandi, fly-by-the-seat-of-ones-pants spontaneity.
Actually who am I kidding? Such spontaneity disappears with the advent of
parenthood. Planning and predictability rules ok.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">On the
subject of planning I’m increasingly warming to the idea of a chemo calendar of
treats. A prize or reward for each session I tick off. Sessions may be delayed,
dates will change, dosages may change. I’ve been warned that I have only a 5%
chance of getting through all 12 without something changing, but that those
sessions will probably still happen in some fashion.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">While the
final destination of my lengthy rail journey may not be clear, it would be exciting
to look out of the window in anticipation every now and then. Make the journey a little more like the Orient Express rather than the slow train to nowhere interesting, plagued by leaves on the line?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<!--EndFragment--><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">I think the
repetitive sights of La La Land, Vomit Canyon and Lacklustre Valley are going
to get pretty tedious. So rewards it will be. Better stick than carrot I say.
Maybe a special lunch with friends? A new pair of boots? A Ferrari has been
suggested but I think that’s a step too far unless a magical donor or Sugardaddy
appears?! In the meantime, I’m happy to settle for simpler things, and right
now, feeling good for a whole week before Session 2, with Christmas decorating
to do, super-excited, effervescent children and family festive fun just around
the corner I feel there is much cause for celebration.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17638984084499604839noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2062033500065734500.post-67321162696460805682016-12-05T10:22:00.001-08:002016-12-05T10:22:55.030-08:00A Letter To My Body On The Eve Of Chemotherapy<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-AcyQvy4C220/WEWwX6vJRrI/AAAAAAABdJE/uvUpO98jOL4r3uEbcOwXoDbaOYXstW1RACLcB/s1600/Screen%2BShot%2B2016-12-05%2Bat%2B06.14.56.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="120" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-AcyQvy4C220/WEWwX6vJRrI/AAAAAAABdJE/uvUpO98jOL4r3uEbcOwXoDbaOYXstW1RACLcB/s200/Screen%2BShot%2B2016-12-05%2Bat%2B06.14.56.png" width="200" /></a><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">We write letters for many different reasons; in thanks, to share joys,
to commiserate in sorrows, to simply share experiences. This is a letter of
gratitude, appreciation and mutual respect, and I couldn't find a better way to express the following sentiments.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><i>To my body,<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><i>In over thirty years together we have shared some extraordinary things,
yet rarely have I thanked you or even acknowledged your continued marvelousness.
Your efficiency in running the fundamental day to day activities that I largely
take for granted (breathing, walking, speaking, thinking) is magnificent, and your
ability to rise to a challenge is amazing. Together we need to hone that
ability further.<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><i>We've
been through some fights already you and I. Physical, mental and emotional.
Physically we've climbed mountains all over the world, we've slogged our way
around the London marathon, completed several triathlons, numerous half
marathons in the UK and Kenya, and we regularly take on the Shropshire hills
burdened with children, sling, backpack, dog etc.<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><i>I'd
like to think I've kept you in good nick. It's mostly been a respectful
relationship. I consciously put you under duress to make you stronger. I test,
then rest, your legs and lungs weekly during Park Run, elongate your muscle
fibres in a quest for flexibility during hot yoga. Mentally, I aim to stay
sharp and keep learning. Give
me a problem to task my brain, and I will relish it (preferably a verbal one as
numbers are not my forte). We now meditate daily, pray sometimes, I write to
express my emotions. Basically I try and do what I can to keep fit and healthy.<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><i>Training
and preparation are key to mental and physical strength. Evidence proves that diet
and exercise increase endurance, enhance focus, reduce fat and flab, build
muscle tone. I love our partnership. I’m not ashamed to admit I like you, my
body, to look good. There have doubtless been times when I’ve whinged about
extra inches on my stomach and thighs, or a lack thereof around my upper chest.
But broadly speaking I’ve been happy. If I’ve been discontent, I’ve acted on it,
and you, my body, have responded. Look good, feel good. A positive and
symbiotic relationship.<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><i>Of
course there have been a few issues over the years. Liver and kidneys I am
sorry for how I treated you at university and occasionally since. I fully
accept that Jagerbombs and Smirnoff ice are not the fuels of champions. But
you've survived and coped admirably. Thank goodness the liver regenerates and
regrows when treated respectfully.<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><i>When asked to respond to the primeval urge to reproduce, you
kicked-started the processes and organs that had remained dormant for much of my
life. The miracle of pregnancy. And what a miracle it is. In this respect I
have been exceptionally blessed.<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><i>Of course you grumbled at times, the extra weight grated on my pelvis
girdle, small spidery explosions appeared on my legs like dark snowflakes,
evidence of the pressures within as new blood fills the system long before the
world can see any obvious physical swelling of the belly. All this you did with
only minimal fuss and fanfare. <o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><i>Birthing too, a source of much angst for every new mother was relatively
uncomplicated. I consciously exercised the mind to inspire emotional calm, you
delivered the physical goods. An intense, primordial experience for which there
can be no equal. You did that twice. Two children carried without consequence,
born at home, fed from my own milk. If this was all I had to be grateful for,
this would be cause enough for ecstatic celebration.<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><i>And so we stand on the precipice of yet more challenges.<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><i>These challenges are not of my choosing, nor yours. Unlike completing a
sporting event, there was no training physical or mental for the emergency
surgery and for what has now followed. That felt like a cursed lightning bolt
to the abdomen, electrical shocks felt throughout the body. Flesh literally
torn apart, inners assaulted, cut, handled, rearranged, sewn and glued back
together. Brutal but absolutely necessary. Literally life-and-death. </i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><i>I am sorry
I didn’t listen sooner to your gentle yet foreboding peristaltic spasms in preceding months.
Your warnings were too quiet for one who has been through birth and has the
permanent distractions of toddlers. It was all too easy to ignore.<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><i>You have recovered from surgery well, for that I am grateful. The scar
is healed, the intestines have finished their spasmodic protestations and
settled back into a new rhythm, albeit with a different physical conclusion at my
stoma. A swift return to physical mobility has allowed me to be an active mum
again, one who can lift her own children, roll around with them and be present
in their lives.<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><i>Since the operation we have braved further explorations and
investigations by clinicians as we prepare for the feast ahead. Today was
simply (hopefully) the last of these appetisers before the main event. The
Hickman line. Where my arms failed to provide veins of a sufficient girth to
accommodate a PICC line, my neck has succeeded. Wires now protrude from my neck and left
breastbone in readiness for chemo, an odd balance and symmetry to the stoma and
bag on the lower half of my torso.<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><i>Artificial openings into the body are in place. We are ready, or as
ready as we will ever be for the toxins to come. Let them come. <o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><i>I have been reading up, others have shared their wisdom and advice too.
The supply chain of wondrous supporters both local and remote is poised ready
with nutritious goodies to help us out. Food for the body and the mind. Organic
meals, supplements of turmeric and ginger, vitamins to nourish your bodily systems.
To enable you to recover, to empower you to fight back and to overcome.<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><i>I promise to do my best to eat well, however little I want to. I will
adhere to the practical insights of chemo survivors. Above all I will endeavour to keep
warm. Peripheral neuropathy, in which the nerves at the extremities of the
body, fingers and toes, are attacked is very common with my type of chemo,
oxaliplatin. Extreme sensitivity to temperature, hot and cold exacerbates this.
At its worst permanently debilitating; pain walking, an inability to perform
simple dexterous functions (buttons, zips, tights), hopefully temporary, but
not for all. Of this I am most afraid. But this is a risk we must take
together. <o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><i>Beyond this I promise to moisturise, to treat the body with respect,
listen to the mind, rest, breathe, exercise when I can.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All this I will do for you, but the bits I
cannot see you must do alone.<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><i>For you are ultimately a mystery to me. My elementary understanding of
biological functions does not permit me to comprehend exactly what wars you are
waging within. I cannot see and may never know which cells, inflammatory
markers, growth factors, antibodies are in play over the coming weeks. As you
articulate and express symptoms I will perhaps guess at what it going on, but it
will simply be a guess.<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Tomorrow we begin. I will be cheering us on from the hippocampus, from
the control centre of the brain. In the words of Kelly Clarkson ‘</span><span style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">What doesn't kill you makes you stronger’</span><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">. Together I hope we can do
this and emerge stronger and healthier. Bring on the champagne.*<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><i>Thank you for all you have done and continue to do.<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><i>With love,<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><i>Kimberley</i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 11pt;">If you like what you read
please share it or comment. Feedback is my fuel to continue blogging, so thanks
to those of you who engage.<i><o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">*See my previous blog post ‘Yo yo days’ if the reference to champagne
makes no sense!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17638984084499604839noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2062033500065734500.post-67574138488316135182016-12-01T14:17:00.000-08:002016-12-01T14:17:33.869-08:00Yo yo days<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-H4Y9wy8pRNM/WECfvIUYEUI/AAAAAAABdIs/BFPiiXlEqfgE3rwKtCfvPJ1rLaduXnftACLcB/s1600/Screen%2BShot%2B2016-12-01%2Bat%2B22.09.15.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="244" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-H4Y9wy8pRNM/WECfvIUYEUI/AAAAAAABdIs/BFPiiXlEqfgE3rwKtCfvPJ1rLaduXnftACLcB/s320/Screen%2BShot%2B2016-12-01%2Bat%2B22.09.15.png" width="320" /></a><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">I have started
this blog post so many times over the past few days that I’ve lost count. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Each
time I write my emotions have changed.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The rollercoaster is clearly greatly
overused as a metaphor, so the closest I’ve come to an alternative is that of the
humble yo-yo. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Up, down, up, down, spin, stop, up, down, spin some more. Enough
said. Basically I’m a bag of emotions right now. Hit and miss on an almost
minute by minute basis whether I’ll smile at you, or burst into tears.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">If I had
written on Tuesday straight after my appointment with the oncologist you would
have seen me brimming with positivity for ‘the plan.’ In a nut shell, I now
have a date to start chemotherapy. Tuesday 6<sup>th</sup> December. Boom.
Result. Hurrah (muted).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Today I was
also supposed to have a PICC line put in (basically a semi-permanent line in my
arm to administer chemo), only the ‘minor’ procedure was eventually abandoned as
a failure after 3 hours. Cue tears. Plan A out the window, so it’s on to plan B
already. Cue more tears. Rapidly followed by rational stoicism. Followed by
more tears.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">After weeks
of creeping along at snail pace I suddenly feel things are going very fast. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">I daren’t
say ‘too fast’ as I’ve been waiting for this, pushing for ‘the plan’. I feel
like (I imagine) a jockey might feel anticipating the start of a horse race
with adrenalin, fear and trepidation all intermingled. You’ve done all you can
do in terms of physical preparation, the waiting element is largely a mental
game, sat atop your mount in one of those metal, caged starting gates. I’ve
been desperately willing them to open the gate so I can get stuck into the long
and arduous course ahead. But now the starting gate <u>is </u>open, I feel
reluctant to spur my metaphorical horse into action to join the race.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Of course,
cancer treatment is not really a race or competition. Maybe, if it is a race,
it’s more like Aesop’s fable, where the tortoise’s slow, steady and measured
approach trumps that of the hasty, cocksure hare. But at present it feels a
little more like the Grand National to me, which is the only horse race I ever
bet on, watch or know anything about. To my simple mind it involves high
stakes, high emotions, big fences, lots of obstacles to jump/ fall over, lots
of distractions, and it’s a long course. The pundits are always querying
whether horses can ‘go the distance,’ which is certainly something that
resonates with chemotherapy and the body’s ability to tolerate prolonged
exposure to a toxic cocktail of chemicals.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Forgetting
the horse race for now, a plan is, in my books, always a good thing. However,
as most people know, any plan or strategy, be it corporate or personal, is only
as good as its execution. Implementation of any plan is often the hard part;
mine has many variables, interdependencies, unknowns and risk factors.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Looking ahead
my ‘chemo calendar’ is almost inevitably going to be waylaid by side effects,
infections of the season, not to mention minor delays associated with NHS
bureaucracy. As the cherry on the cake of today’s largely miserable day, in which Plan A went out the window, I came
home from hospital today to find my youngest child vomiting. So far 4 episodes
in 8 hours and counting. Not my ideal choice of distraction, but distraction
none the less, and thank goodness I haven’t started chemo yet.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">On the
subject of deviation to plans I have been warned by chemo veterans that whilst
the attitude of nursing staff may be exemplary, the system often lets the side
down: drugs not ordered, forms not counter-signed, blood results running late, computer literally says no, etc. I will be channelling my inner zen buddha at much as I can, trying to
enjoy the silver lining of an uninterrupted opportunity to read proper novels,
solve crosswords, snooze, etc. Basically I am clearing my schedule for
‘hospital days’ rather than ‘hospital trips.’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Also, as
part of my risk mitigation strategy, I have been looking at what, beyond my
mental state, I can control and influence to oil the wheels of the track ahead.
There are a few strands to my thinking including; diet, exercise, mental
wellbeing and environment.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">The
nutrition considerations could fill about three blogs alone. I thought I was
pretty clued up and educated about a balanced diet, full of superfoods and
antioxidants and stuff. My fantastic husband has, for months, been making me an
‘interesting’ (euphemistically described) kale, blueberry and citrus fruit breakfast
smoothie most mornings. On the whole we don’t eat loads of carbs…but I was
definitely missing some of the story, especially around sugar, but I’ll save
that for another day.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">For today
it’s back to the mental game. Yo-yo time. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">One moment
I am UP, thrilled to be getting on with everything, off to hospital to get my PICC line.
Next, DOWN I’m slammed back in my box in tears. A heap of vulnerability
after the failed procedure. UP again after a lovely lunchtime reiki session
destresses me and reduces my negativity. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">One hour later, contentedly walking
the dog (also a common yo-yo trick BTW), finally feeling physically back to
strength and ‘normal’ after my emergency surgery, and DOWN the fear and anxiety
kicks in about chemo. My brain is shouting at me ‘<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">You have just got back to health…what are you thinking?</i>’ Back to
health, and now I’m about to embark on a six month intensive plan to poison
myself. (Hopefully temporarily, but there are always risks of permanent damage).
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Rationally
the medical evidence for undertaking this poisoning to prevent recurrence is
compelling. Psychologically it’s a difficult step. I feel, and look physically
well. So now I’m about to change that. It’s a bit like willing yourself to step
off the bridge / crane for a bungee jump. Everything in your body and logical
mind says… ‘<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Don’t do this…you might die!</i>’
Yet we undertake such challenges for pleasure and for the adrenalin, me
included…so perhaps I need to change my perspective?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">On my dog
walk mulling this over and feeling rather angsty I was surprised to
see a large orange animal on the river bank ahead. He (I assume it was a he,
but who knows?), was basking in that glorious winter sun; a rich, rusty
creature with a fluffed up tail, full of vitality and life. He was surprised to
see me, (and my dog) and after momentary indecision whilst we eyed each other
up, he swiftly turned to bound away across the fields. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Then the
irony struck me. He was the Fox I wanted to be. He could be part of my mental
armoury as I take on FULFOX, my chemo combination. He was the fox full of life,
a picture of health. That is the fox I want to be. A full-fox. I just need the
chemo to help me get there. (This may feel tenuous to you…but it’s working for
me, so go with it please.)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">If you don't like the fox, then how about this? A relative
who has also been through and recovered from bowel cancer told me to think of
each chemo treatment like a large infusion of prosecco. To welcome it in. To
crave more. To view the side effects as tangible proof that the drugs are
working. There is collateral damage to healthy cells, but if it’s getting the
healthy cells, it’s also getting the malignant, defective cells too. Be
grateful for that.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">This helps
a little. Going to the hospital fortnightly for a lengthy infusion of champagne
(I’m insisting on upgrading from prosecco) is an image I can work with. Please
just remind me of this as I stare longingly at the real champagne that I’m
unlikely to be drinking over the festive period.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">So that’s
where I am up, down, round and round. Maybe one day I’ll turn it into a choreographed
dance? The cancer dance. (Worthy of YouTube viral sharing obviously). Until
then, please bear with me, and whatever version of me you happen to meet or
interact with in the days to come.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17638984084499604839noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2062033500065734500.post-35310332656507358472016-11-28T23:28:00.001-08:002016-11-28T23:28:14.426-08:00Who'd have thought that the world was like an accordion?<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12.5pt;">Back in ancient times when people thought the world was flat,
mariners were ‘afeared’ to go too far lest they fall off the edge.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12.5pt;">Technically the Earth is a globe. It’s spherical, not flat. Life
doesn’t end when you walk off the edge of a disc. We all know that's true...but
modern science also feels a little inaccurate to me. I feel that life is,
in fact, more like an accordion. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-zuPuUShfXpU/WD0rpru091I/AAAAAAABdIU/YMemT4AeZrMP4L2in29PBFrD2ik40g9QgCLcB/s1600/Screen%2BShot%2B2016-11-29%2Bat%2B07.16.19.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="242" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-zuPuUShfXpU/WD0rpru091I/AAAAAAABdIU/YMemT4AeZrMP4L2in29PBFrD2ik40g9QgCLcB/s320/Screen%2BShot%2B2016-11-29%2Bat%2B07.16.19.png" width="320" /></a><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12.5pt;">I know precious little about this musical instrument other than
that it functions by expansion and compression. Bellows force air across reed
and valves. There are complex looking buttons and piano keys to push. A truly
multi-faceted and complicated organ, much like life, they squeeze in and out,
in and out, the tune and pitch controlled by a great pair of masculine hands
(for I have yet to see a woman operating a squeeze box – sorry if that seems sexiest!).
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12.5pt;">So why an accordion? Evocative, for me, of folk music, of
Germany and Russia, yet with the potential to play any musical genre, current
or classic. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12.5pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12.5pt;">This revelatory sentiment comes from the endless series of moments in my life
where my world appears to expand and contract. Sometimes suddenly and unexpectedly.
Sometimes over a long period of time, the change so slow it's almost
imperceptible.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12.5pt;">You must all have had those moments when your focus narrows. The
world shrinks for a while and there is nothing beyond that matters. It might be
an exam room as you stare in intense concentration at a question on a page, willing your
mind to access the relevant facts, quotes, figures. It might be a moment of
ecstasy. The birth of a child, the passing of a driving test, the savouring of
a delicious slab of cake.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12.5pt;">The smallest I think my world has ever become is a plastic
drawer. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12.5pt;">It was a totally non-descript Perspex sliding drawer,
transparent, clinical. It had a white sticker on it with black writing saying
'FACE MASKS.' It was the last thing I remember before the emergency operation
to remove the tumour from my colon. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12.5pt;">Curled up on a gurney, instructed to curve my spine like an
angry cat, arms hugging my knees like a child I waited for the anaesthetist to
insert my spinal block, the final step before general oblivion and the
operation beyond. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12.5pt;">It had been less than an hour since I’d received the devastating
news of my tumour and forthcoming surgery. My accordion had collapsed inwards
brutally, forced shut, crushing my spirit. The bellows, now compressed, were at
rest. There was no music. I'd said goodbye to Josh and now felt totally alone.
I was trying not to cry. I was terribly afraid, possibly more afraid than I have
been at any point in my living memory, and that drawer saved me. An innocuous
drawer of surgical face masks encouraged me to keep breathing. It could have
been any one of at least twenty such drawers in the room, but the ‘face mask’
one was mine.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12.5pt;">At the other end of life’s magnificent spectrum there are the
moments of hyperextension and expansion. The days where the world truly feels
like your oyster. You can go anywhere, and do anything.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12.5pt;">You can voyage from the chilly heights of Lake Titicaca in Peru
and Bolivia to the swampy, stifling jungle of the Amazonian river basin in
days. You can dive with manta rays in the Maldives, watch the sunrise over the
red sands of the Namib desert. You can sing, joke and dance with children of
every class, faith, and race in every corner of the world, knowing that money is
not the key to accessing such simple pleasure and joy. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12.5pt;">But know too that it will not always be thus. Wherever you
travel and whenever life provides rich opportunities to expand your mind and
your world, bottle such memories and feelings. Store them for a rainy day.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12.5pt;">For the accordion of life plays an unpredictable tune. As
rapidly as it expands, it can contract too. Folding the world inwards,
squeezing life and breath from your lungs. Reducing the world to a Perspex
drawer, or perhaps another inanimate object that allows you to focus the mind
and block out pain.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12.5pt;">These fluctuations are not always sudden switches from one
extreme to another. I know not what tune is currently being played on my
squeeze box, it is certainly not something I have chosen, nor do I recognize it’s
composition. There is no clue to where it will go next. No predictability. I like to think of it
as an extended lyrical piece and that recent weeks are simply part of a sad, melodic section. The
accordionist delivered a sudden and surprising key change into the minor clef.
But now in this minor key the music is still beautiful, if a little more
melancholic. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12.5pt;">Beyond the surgery and cancer diagnosis my world has remained
small and compressed. There was a week on the ward. Not even the full ward. My fabric cubicle
of 5m x 5m. Plus the route to the shower and toilet. Maybe add another 20m if
I'm being generous. It was more than enough physically and mentally. Friends
and family visited from the outer world. From my window I could see the wide
streets and vistas of Tooting and London beyond. But for that week I wasn't
part of the wider world, I couldn't imagine it nor conceive of being part of it
again.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12.5pt;">Five days later there was a big leap taken to move from hospital
ward to car, the car took me out of London, and then home to Shropshire. More
space, more life, invigorating breath pulled back into the bellows. Since then
another lull. I've not left Shropshire for five weeks and I've not travelled
further than 20 miles from home.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12.5pt;">Perhaps some people can willingly spend a lifetime in such a confined
space. Some individuals, convicted justly or unjustly for years on
end in prisons around the world, some </span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16.66666603088379px;">detained without trial,</span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16.66666603088379px;"> </span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12.5pt;">have no choice. Physical travel is impossible, only mental freedom is possible. I suspect there are some in
my home town for whom the bubbling brawl and sprawl of Birmingham is a step too
far. A mere fifty miles geographically, but another world psychologically. Staying put can be a positive choice. It’s comfortable and
familiar and easy. Right now I agree.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12.5pt;">But for me it won't last. I have tasted the pleasures of the far
reaches of the world mentally and physically. I know the joy that exploration, discovery and mental, spiritual expansion can bring. Maybe not now... but one day I look forward to dancing
along to a merrier song, a jaunty and uplifting tune which brings the soul to
tears with positive emotion.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12.5pt;">As
for today, I remain paused in anticipation. I feel the accordionist is
preparing to pick up the squeeze box again. Fingers poised on the keys and
buttons. The only tune I can imagine is that which the oncologist will set when
we meet today. I can perhaps venture suggestions, but it will not be me setting
the pace or pitch of this next musical section. Let’s just hope he has an ear
for the major clef and an upbeat melody, I’m not sure I fancy more dissonance right
now.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17638984084499604839noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2062033500065734500.post-38715941827867931872016-11-23T10:46:00.003-08:002016-11-23T10:46:18.884-08:00The Cancer Jigsaw<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-OKwZd-TQ4Tw/WDXjwaYPCGI/AAAAAAABdG0/JS3BtoN9Nd8NUrYtr-43FzsVOJX4l6ufQCLcB/s1600/Screen%2BShot%2B2016-11-23%2Bat%2B18.40.32.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="227" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-OKwZd-TQ4Tw/WDXjwaYPCGI/AAAAAAABdG0/JS3BtoN9Nd8NUrYtr-43FzsVOJX4l6ufQCLcB/s320/Screen%2BShot%2B2016-11-23%2Bat%2B18.40.32.png" width="320" /></a><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">This week,
the similarity between jigsaws and getting treated for cancer has really struck
me.<o:p></o:p></span><attachment webkitattachmentpath="/Users/kimberleywarren/Desktop/Screen Shot 2016-11-23 at 18.40.32.png"></attachment></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">I’ve always
loved jigsaws. </span><br />
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><br /></span>
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">They remind of Christmas, and roaring fires, and spending hours with
my family, bent over a box trying to marry up subtle tonal shades and miniscule
details against a cover image of dubious quality. They strain your mind…and
your eyes, especially after a glass of festive fizz.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">With a
jigsaw, the first thing you <u>always</u> do is look for the corner pieces (or
so I have always been taught!). These are the firm foundations from which to
build up, out, and inwards.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">In my case
three corner pieces came my way very suddenly and unexpectedly, it’s almost
like they leapt out the box. Emergency surgery, stoma, bowel cancer diagnosis.
Three of the pillars of the puzzle complete. The fourth, I’ve still not come
across yet. In my head it’s finally meeting the oncologist, the individual who
will complete the quadrant and allow me to start pulling everything together. The
oncologist, (who I am scheduled to meet next week), is the gatekeeper to accessing
treatment, scheduling chemotherapy and (hopefully) putting me on the path to
recovery. I feel he (or she) is my fourth corner.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">In the
meantime, whilst I wait to unearth my missing corner, (desperately hoping it
has not been spirited away by my daughter into a dolly’s handbag, misplaced by
the NHS, or swallowed by the dog (?)) I have also started working on my edges.
The edges build up from the corners, they provide structure and stability and allow
you to start connecting the dots and bridging the gaps. In puzzle world they
start to make everything make sense.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Next to the
stoma corner there are the expert colorectal and stoma nurses, the countless
books on stoma+sport, stoma+kids, stoma+sex (?!?), the long-awaited prescription
support pants which most definitely have no frills and no lace (Bridget Jones
here I come)…and the cherry on the cake… the assorted selection of flanges
(yep, technical stoma term for the bit of the bag that sticks on your tummy). Basically
lots of support to help me move from complete incompetence to conscious competence
and hopefully beyond.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Just along
from the corner I’m calling ‘emergency surgery’ are the registrars, the anaesthetists,
the CT scans, the high dependency unit, the consultants and of course the ward
staff who have helped me recover from surgery. In four weeks I have stretched out
a long way from the ‘surgery’ corner. A fantastic combination of amazing
surgical glue, the extended medical team, the recovery support at home, the
kind words and gifts from friends and family, my meals-on-wheels team…it’s
probably the area that is most sorted. In puzzle terms it’s filling out nicely.
This part of the puzzle is nearly complete. Extremely satisfying.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">The bowel
cancer corner is interesting and complex. I like to think of it as one of those
challenging segments, like one of those jigsaws where dappled light filters
through trees and leaves in every shade of green and brown. Totally infuriating
to solve. You think you’ve connected something, only it doesn’t quite fit.
Almost…maybe with a bit of brute force and pressure? But really it doesn’t fit.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">As everyone
knows, the internet is a minefield best avoided, but in a quest for reliable
information I’ve read clinical trial papers, NICE protocols, Macmillan guides
and, most importantly, I’ve had amazing advice from unspeakably courageous and
positive individuals who have already trodden the path of bowel cancer as patients,
clinicians or survivors and have kindly shared their time, insights and advice.
Knowledge is always a powerful weapon however you come by it. Thank you to
those who have helped me with this.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">With the
edges shaping up I have started working inwards towards the tricky middle bit
of the puzzle. This is where things get messy during the jigsaw-solving
process. You end up with the occasional set of three or four matching pieces floating
like little irregular islands, a bit lost on the lake of the shiny
coffee-table, constantly sliding around, desperate to connect to the mainland.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">So it has
been with this cancer malarkey. I have some mini oases of common sense – they relate
to diet and nutrition, mindset, holistic therapies like reflexology and reiki.
Individually potent strands of the bigger picture, but as yet I can’t pull
everything together coherently.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Getting the
full picture, the solution is going to take a long time. (As indeed do puzzles
in my world). My puzzles often start with all-hands-on-deck on Christmas eve,
everyone keen to help and support. But interest wanes, and only the tenacious
and persistent remain involved, carefully analysing those subtle nuances of
shape and shade on the box and on the jigsaw. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">It would be
wishful thinking to assume this is one of those 24-piece ‘first puzzles’ that
my toddler is now working on. That would be naïve. I just sincerely hope it’s
not one of those 3D puzzle monstrosities with an image of smarties or baked
beans that makes no sense to anyone. Or by some extraordinary manufacturing
fault this jigsaw actually transpires to have a piece missing. Right now, a
standard 1000 piece jobby would be just fine.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">As a final
thought, there appears to be a consistent message that treatment for cancer is
a team approach. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Chemotherapy
on its own is not the answer. No corner piece or edge piece holds all the
answers. Just as a puzzle needs corners and edges, so my journey from diagnosis
to treatment and beyond need strong foundations AND a holistic approach.
Friends, family, expert medical advice, diet, mental health, emotional
strength, reiki, writing, exercise…the list could go on and on, but the message
is very clear. Tempting as it is, don’t fixate on one piece of the puzzle.
However big it may loom in your mind, the other pieces are just as important.
Focus on the long term goal, the bigger picture and stay positive and tenacious…and
finally, hopefully the solution will be reached.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17638984084499604839noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2062033500065734500.post-19798723374829106602016-11-18T08:36:00.006-08:002016-11-18T08:36:50.499-08:00Seeing is believing. A desire to personify my cancer<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div style="text-align: right;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">As a
‘visual’ person I like to see things. Ideally I like to touch them. It makes
things real to me, and the more my senses are stimulated through colour, touch,
smell, taste, etc the better my understanding and memory is of any experience
or fact. I suspect I’m not alone in feeling like this.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">One of my
issues with cancer is that is doesn’t feel real. Sensory evidence has been
scarce. There were fleeting, intense abdominal pains that fateful weekend in
October. I now have a laparoscopic scar and stoma bag as evidence of an
operation…but what of the cancer itself? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Clearly
those in the medical profession, those ‘in the club’ have seen it; I had an
X-ray, CT scans, a physical tumour. There are now physical slides buried in a
pathology lab somewhere, slivers of my cancer dissected and prepared for
microscopic review by the experts. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Only none
of this has been shared with me, other than orally, and there seems to be a
reluctance to do so.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">So cancer
feels to me like a faceless foe. People talk of fighting, and beating cancer,
but how can you fight what you cannot comprehend or see? At some point soon my
fight will involve chemo; transparent, toxic and potent fluids committed to
fighting for me. It is likely there will then be some physical symptoms and
signs of the fight within; exhaustion, nausea, etc to name some of the milder
side effects as these invisible fluids wage war on cells, healthy or otherwise,
that I cannot conceive, see or comprehend. A truly bizarre scenario.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">All of this
‘invisibility’ is beginning to nag at me psychologically. At some point I will
perhaps get pushy and demands sight of my own results, but for now I’m trying
to be likeable and to ‘play the game.’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Those
suffering depression often speak of the ‘black dog.’ Sometimes it’s not a dog
but another animal. Some give their animal a name, they draw it, they personify
it. This is a known technique to help some people deal with and manage their
depression. Another condition that you can neither touch nor see. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">I have
therefore decided to give my cancer its own physical face.</span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<o:p></o:p><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-5gUWDBm24hc/WC8tcqMaaLI/AAAAAAABdGQ/bwxmz5nbyjUV9qay7_HbNMRJzIPlbmm_ACEw/s1600/IMG_3815.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-5gUWDBm24hc/WC8tcqMaaLI/AAAAAAABdGQ/bwxmz5nbyjUV9qay7_HbNMRJzIPlbmm_ACEw/s320/IMG_3815.JPG" width="320" /></a><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">I haven’t
quite settled on a name yet, but this creature is now (in my world) the
physical embodiment of my cancer and my fight against it. <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Huge disclaimer</b>. This is in fact a jellyfish hat, probably best suited
to my ever-expanding fancy-dress collection. He looks nothing like a cancer
cell or indeed anything medical, but I was drawn to him. In my head is it
definitely a ‘him.’ (Channelling my inner feminist)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Until named
(very open to suggestions here?) I’m going to call him, Grim. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Grim is not
a proper name, but it’s a good description of how I feel about cancer. I don’t
like having cancer, therefore I don’t like Grim. The good thing about Grim is
that I can see him, I can feel him. If I want to I can shout at him, punch him,
kick him across the room, throw him out the window, cry at him…and maybe, just
maybe, one day I will be able to escort him to the bonfire and say goodbye to
him forever. But that day exists only a shimmering mirage at the moment.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">For now,
Grim is going to be living in my house. Owing to the nature of toddlers and
their curiousity I suspect Grim is going to go walkabouts and surprise me by
appearing in random places. But that’s ok. The nature of cancer is that the
emotions and awareness of this often unseen condition leap up to ambush you at
unexpected moments. You think you’re doing fine, you’re functioning
semi-normally, you’re distracted putting the kids coats and shoes on then
‘Wham.’ A Macmillan book on the hall table is an unwelcome reminder of my
diagnosis.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">So it will
be with Grim. Perhaps he’ll emerge from under the kitchen table one morning at
breakfast perched on my son’s head? Maybe he’ll pop up in the bathroom during
my morning shower as a hand puppet? Or perhaps he’ll be brought to the front door
by my faithful, present-bringing spaniel when I return from a shopping trip.
For now, he’s going to be an omnipresent character in my household, the
physical embodiment of my cancer.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Oddly the
fact that I can see him and touch him makes me happier. Grim makes me more at
peace with my cancer and the (currently) verbal-only fight which has yet to
begin physically. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<!--EndFragment--><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">So I say,
welcome Grim. Let the battle commence.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17638984084499604839noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2062033500065734500.post-22742311295344115782016-11-16T07:38:00.000-08:002016-11-16T07:38:30.160-08:00Birthday bonanza extravaganza<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-DyE8D0-Kkyw/WCx8CMVXOOI/AAAAAAABdFs/2uDfBlFf7FwDgtwzClZ4C-pigDbs-YSzACLcB/s1600/IMG_3790.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-DyE8D0-Kkyw/WCx8CMVXOOI/AAAAAAABdFs/2uDfBlFf7FwDgtwzClZ4C-pigDbs-YSzACLcB/s320/IMG_3790.JPG" width="320" /></a><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Whoever
said that birthdays go downhill after 21 clearly didn’t factor in life-changing events;
for </span>today has truly been one of the best birthdays ever. </div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">In my case, post
cancer diagnosis but pre-treatment, my birthday has proved to be a focal point for re-affirming
friendships, showing support and for incredible generosity to make the soul
sing and the spirit soar…which quite frankly I need at the moment.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">I have also noticed that '<i>birthday-enhancement</i>', as I shall term this phenomenon of
experiencing these annual festivities on steroids, it also true of positive
life events, as much as traumatic ones. I noticed that after the birth of both
my children, my birthday was more poignant as a celebration of self, an opportunity to '<i>be me again</i>' flying in
the face of the selflessness and confusion of identity that comes with the
arrival of highly dependent mini-humans. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">(As an
aside, I have always been somewhat irritated that babies do not arrive just a
little more fully formed and developed. Puppies, foals, lambs and calves (be
they bovine or elephantine) all feed, stand and walk within minutes of
their birth. Babies take so much more investment of time and energy! Curse our
ancestors for the evolutionary process that took us from four legs to two and
narrowed our pelvises, thus necessitating earlier birth. Although on the upside,
shorter gestation is not to be sniffed at, so I guess it swinging in
roundabouts).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-PpLHkJxtwTw/WCx8BWhBi8I/AAAAAAABdFo/Q-OdGxDuM18QZQb0zpkOO3KI5APwenqYgCLcB/s1600/IMG_3772.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="birthday present" border="0" height="200" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-PpLHkJxtwTw/WCx8BWhBi8I/AAAAAAABdFo/Q-OdGxDuM18QZQb0zpkOO3KI5APwenqYgCLcB/s200/IMG_3772.JPG" title="" width="150" /></a><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Back to the
matter in hand, I feel I have been doubly lucky this year, as in pouring my heart
and mind out through this new-fangled blogging malarkey, I have had the amazing
fortune to have (unintentionally) seeded genuine and meaningful gift ideas to
people. This is honestly not what I had planned, but a truly wonderful
consequence of just being candid.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">And so it
is that following certain blog posts I have become the lucky recipient of a
magnificent selection of totally appropriate, on-trend and esteem-boosting knitwear (see <a href="http://mytakeonfeelinggrateful.blogspot.co.uk/2016/11/the-bigger-and-baggier-better.html" target="_blank">'The baggier the better'</a> ) that disguises my yucky but
indispensible colostomy bag and means I can forget about it and feel (and act)
more like myself. I have also had practically-edible, luxury toiletries (see
<a href="http://mytakeonfeelinggrateful.blogspot.co.uk/2016/11/hot-water-has-healing-properties.html" target="_blank">'Hot water has healing properties'</a> blog) and some wonderful stationery for future musings (see <a href="http://mytakeonfeelinggrateful.blogspot.co.uk/2016/11/who-doesnt-love-spangly-stationery.html" target="_blank">'Spangly stationery'</a>. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><i>Although
well done to the clever clogs who pointed out my rapid contradictions of 'terms
and conditions'. In the intro to my blog I promised no unicorns, or roses, then
a mere 10 days on…wham bam...huge celebration over my unicorn pencil-case. I can only apologise. I will
try and steer clear of such hypocrisy in future.</i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Beyond all of this,
the words, letters and cards both today and in recent weeks, be they digital or physical have been truly
tear-jerking at times. Which is good, as I love a good cathartic cry.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">I grew up
in a household where words and notes mattered. They still matter to me more
than I can say. I have memories of returning from a boozy night-out to find a
post-it note on the bread board along with a packet of crumpets and an air
freshener saying ‘<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The oldies have turned
into pumpkins and gone to bed. I hope Cinderella had a good night and didn’t lose her shoe!? Eat well and please spray your coat</i>’ (This was back in the days where
smoking indoors meant returning like a living distributor of eau-de-ash-tray). So, thanks to my parents, I too am a fan of little notes, a few words that show you care and that you’ve
listened, can make the world of difference.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">So today I
feel immensely spoilt and blessed. Wealth both material and emotional has come
my way in abundance. So thank you, thank you, thank you. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">One final
note of appreciation must go to the flowers. </span>Oh my…the
flowers!! If there was ever a physical item to make you smile inside, to bring
memories of the sender, to lift your spirits with scent and aesthetic beauty…it
would be flowers.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Nature is
always calming to the human soul. As a prior student of English literature, I
recall that the technical term for this is ‘<i>pathetic fallacy</i>,’ which really doesn't do justice to what it means. The bottom line
is that in times of strife, and indeed, euphoria, we often seek out nature to mirror
our own emotions. Sometimes the raging waves crashing on the seashore can do
more to express and dissipate our anger and grief than anything else, just as
the sunrises (which so many of you been generous enough to share via #sunrisesforKim)
can sometimes do more to inspire hope than words alone.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Flowers are
an integral part of that. Wonderful colours, shapes and smells that whilst
unlikely to fulfil their original destiny as a means of reproducing (via pollination, etc) in my
living room...or kitchen...or bedroom, their beauty and fragility does much to
make me happy...which I hope is a fate that the flowers too (were they capable of
emotions), would be content with.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">And so, far from being <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">yet-another birthday</i>,
seemingly unimportant as there is no great milestone ending in a -0 which I am
reaching, 34 turns out to be a fantastic age to be. A wonderful line in the
sand from which to reflect on the storm just passed, to glance ahead to the
obstacles yet to be crossed before I reach 35…and most importantly to bask in
the warmth of friendship and wallow in the pool of goodwill that I have
received today. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="41" Name="Plain Table 1"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="43" Name="Plain Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="44" Name="Plain Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="45" Name="Plain Table 5"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="Grid Table 1 Light"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52" Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 1"/>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Today I am
grateful indeed for everything.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><br /></span></div>
<h4 style="text-align: left;">
<span lang="EN-GB"><i>Footnote:<span style="font-weight: normal;"> Minor point, but one thing I am not grateful for is having been brought up in the awareness of Debretts, manners and etiquette....which requires that I respond to everyone with a grateful note of thanks, promptly and sincerely. This I would LOVE to do...but am afraid I would be setting myself up to fail to try and do so, the sincerity is there but prompt replies are highly unlikely / impossible. I hope you will forgive me!</span></i></span></h4>
</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17638984084499604839noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2062033500065734500.post-78659528013417573962016-11-15T09:37:00.001-08:002016-11-15T09:37:07.682-08:00Patience is a Virtue, but it won't save the NHS<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Today's post is somewhat less about feeling grateful and more of a mini rant about the challenges of interacting with the NHS.<br />
<br />
The NHS is simultaneously the best invention since sliced bread (or maybe it preceded that?) and arguably the stuff of nightmares. There is an unfortunate and delicate tightrope that the organisation walks between phenomenal clinical care, the best people, the best training, the best drugs, available on time, consistently across the country AND a legacy of red tape, debt and crumbling buildings. There are labyrinths of systems and processes that whilst simple when originally conceived, have grown up and evolved organically, twisting and turning like the roots and branches of intertwined trees...until the start and end points are tangled and invisible.<br />
<br />
This balancing act means that patient experiences vary, that errors and inefficiency are inevitable. I love the NHS, I already owe it my life in the most literal sense, but I also hate how it's opaque processes leave one in doubt and in suspense. It may have my physical health well controlled, but am not sure what it's doing to my mental state?<br />
<br />
Because of the slightly different tone of this piece, I've placed it on Huffington Post. But please do read, reflect, share and feedback. I'm all ears...<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/kimberley-burbidge/patience-is-a-virtue-but-_b_12948352.html">http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/kimberley-burbidge/patience-is-a-virtue-but-_b_12948352.html</a></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17638984084499604839noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2062033500065734500.post-65558727378328952742016-11-13T07:18:00.001-08:002016-11-13T07:18:18.574-08:00Sweet or savoury? Seeking flickers of myself...<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Post-surgery
and post cancer diagnosis I haven’t really felt like myself. Unsurprising
perhaps, but to go from a fit, healthy mother-of two, loving life and work, to
a cancer patient with a colostomy bag, a laparoscopic scar and a chemo
recommendation overnight is a pretty big leap.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Three weeks
on from surgery and the scar is healed, my mobility has returned, the pain
killers have become thankfully unnecessary and I consider myself consciously
competent, if reluctantly, at managing my stoma. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Of course
the shock of the cancer diagnosis is still gradually sinking in, and the
practical impact of starting chemo has yet to hit home, but in this interim
period, the calm before the next storm, I feel and look (ironically) well. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-vU3l8NOUvEg/WCiD79PZnkI/AAAAAAABdFM/Y0EB4AiUdXE8E53S5f2JZjOwyS1TLkuuQCLcB/s1600/Screen%2BShot%2B2016-11-13%2Bat%2B15.16.10.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="183" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-vU3l8NOUvEg/WCiD79PZnkI/AAAAAAABdFM/Y0EB4AiUdXE8E53S5f2JZjOwyS1TLkuuQCLcB/s320/Screen%2BShot%2B2016-11-13%2Bat%2B15.16.10.png" width="320" /></a><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Three weeks
on I find that each day there are more and more flickers of my old self, and I
am oh so very grateful for the return of each seemingly trivial piece of
normality. The discovery that I actually <u>want</u> my daily morning coffee
again after weeks of declining it. The increased craving for sugar and
chocolate (which has hitherto been a hallmark of my tastebuds and a lifelong
struggle to master) marks a turning opint after days of desiring salty crisps
and savoury stodge…which I’m guessing my body perhaps needed after surgery?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">I’ve been
phenomenally lucky in having had my evening meals provided these last two weeks
by my mother-in-law and sister-in-law, along with a few good friends who’ve
come to my rescue to build me up after a week dining on the NHS. My
‘meals-on-wheels’ deliveries have been a huge support, a godsend, it’s meant
that I have good food and a full fridge without any of the effort of thinking
about what to cook, what I need to shop for and the energy-sapping exertions
that can accompany both of these chores.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">There’s a
part of me that wants such an amazing service to continue indefinitely, but
today, as a minor accompanied outing (imperative to alleviate cabin fever during
my temporary driving ban) I went food shopping. Not the big, mentally and
physically overwhelming kind, just a short, but somewhat overpriced circuit of
the local high-end chain to snaffle a few essentials for lunch. I’ve so never
been so thrilled to visit Waitrose in my life…to wheel a little basket around
the aisles and queue up at the tills like a normal person. Mad really, but I
can only liken it to returning to the UK after spells of culinary privation
whilst travelling and working in less developed countries. Full shelves and
incredible choice engendered similar delirium on returning to the UK.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Anyway,
each step towards normality is welcome. Kareoke in the kitchen during a weekend
breakfast, an autumnal walk to the playground with my children and dogs, I am
even grateful for being able to leap across the room and grab a tissue to wipe
my son’s snotty nose. I couldn’t have done that a week ago. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Clearly
there are still barriers and further steps to healing, I STILL really can’t
pick my kids up…which has the silver lining of getting me off nappy changing
for probably another week. (Get in!) I STILL can’t drive, which is actually a
frustrating quirk of the insurance system. But however temporary such improvements
are (I’m informed I may yet regress to a saline loving, non-coffee drinking
monster during chemotherapy), I am really loving feeling a little more like me
each day.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Message Header"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="11" QFormat="true" Name="Subtitle"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Salutation"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Date"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text First Indent"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text First Indent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Block Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Hyperlink"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="FollowedHyperlink"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="22" QFormat="true" Name="Strong"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="20" QFormat="true" Name="Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Document Map"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Plain Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="E-mail Signature"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Top of Form"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Bottom of Form"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Normal (Web)"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Acronym"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Address"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Cite"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Code"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Definition"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Keyboard"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Preformatted"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Sample"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Typewriter"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Variable"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Normal Table"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="annotation subject"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="No List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Contemporary"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Elegant"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Professional"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Subtle 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Subtle 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Balloon Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="Table Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Theme"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Placeholder Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" QFormat="true" Name="No Spacing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Revision"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="34" QFormat="true"
Name="List Paragraph"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="29" QFormat="true" Name="Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="30" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" QFormat="true"
Name="Subtle Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" QFormat="true"
Name="Subtle Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Bibliography"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="41" Name="Plain Table 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="42" Name="Plain Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="43" Name="Plain Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="44" Name="Plain Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="45" Name="Plain Table 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="40" Name="Grid Table Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="Grid Table 1 Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52" Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="List Table 1 Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="List Table 6 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52" Name="List Table 7 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 2"/>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17638984084499604839noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2062033500065734500.post-33442154424383143392016-11-12T07:18:00.000-08:002016-11-17T14:09:30.668-08:00Who doesn't love spangly stationery?<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">It is
entirely possible that I am a ‘loser’ in this regard, but I suspect that there
actually many others like me who almost miss that annual pilgrimage to the
local stationery store to stock up on essentials, and a few novelty extras, at
the beginning of each school year. Anyone else care to fess up?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Now I look
back, a new pencil case was one of the few permissible outward manifestations
of personality when your daily attire was dictated by the uniform policy. Try as
we might in our teenage years, all other minor attempts at rebellion, like blue
mascara, glittery lip gloss, or even shoes with more than a 2.5cm heel were
swiftly quashed and supressed. In my school at least. But no one could lecture
you on your choice of pencil case, ring binder, and pens. These were fundamental
to successful learning – Boom. Result. Rebellion successful.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">I’ve
actually still got some of my old pencil case relics (hands up - I’m a sentimental
hoarder). A purple and silver fluffy monstrosity which has recently been commandeered
by my daughter, a functional blue zippy cylinder to which I have ‘creatively’ added
Tippex eyes and a mouth around the aperture, and a black and white Barbara
Hepworth style one, when I was clearly attempting to demonstrate my cultured
nature and maturity…age 14 I suspect.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">In my ‘stationery
past’ there were also ring binders, carefully collaged with pictures and quotes
cropped from the teen magazines of the day, now long since superceded and
irrelevant. They bear testament to the TV shows (Friends), the hunks (Leonardo
di Caprio, Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise), and the mantras like ‘<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">no pain, no gain’</i> and ‘<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">be true to yourself’</i> that mattered at
that period of my life. Of all of those, probably only the mantras remain
relevant, as even in those formative years it seems my attitude and outlook
were relatively consistent to now.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">The reason
I’m excited about stationery is that it symbolises a common and necessary step
in any life challenge. Whenever the learning curve gets steep, progress towards
a solution requires research, paperwork and organisation. All of which mean new
stationery.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Sp9LH-4CcXc/WC4qiHlMZeI/AAAAAAABdF8/UzivtiOf7KMxW6jeBpStTNo2wheLfutHwCLcB/s1600/Screen%2BShot%2B2016-11-17%2Bat%2B22.08.18.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="139" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Sp9LH-4CcXc/WC4qiHlMZeI/AAAAAAABdF8/UzivtiOf7KMxW6jeBpStTNo2wheLfutHwCLcB/s200/Screen%2BShot%2B2016-11-17%2Bat%2B22.08.18.png" width="200" /></a></div>
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">In my
current situation, my cancer diagnosis, (rather crudely delivered by phone
owing to my distance from the hospital where it all kicked off), is scrawled on
4 lime green post-its in purple pen. It was all I had to hand when I took that
call in my study, and now those key facts that disrupted my life: cancer, stage,
CT scan, chemo recommendation will be forever etched into my memory on neon
squares. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Since then there
have been forms to complete, appointment letters, stoma support books, clinical
trial papers, contact details, patient information leaflets and countless
brochures from the superlatively helpful people <span style="color: black; mso-themecolor: text1;">at Macmillan.</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Until
yesterday I’ve been shoving it all in a heap on my desk, and dilly-dallying
over sorting it out. In my head, the messy pile (in which I can still find
everything, obviously), is probably the equivalent of burying my head in the
sand and delaying the onset of reality. This is also my general attitude to
post and mail, opened only on a reluctant, need-to-read basis…unless, of
course, it looks exciting or the envelope is handwritten.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Fortunately,
I’ve had a university mate up to stay this week. An amazing friend who pointed
out that I needed to get organised and whisked me off to the stationery store
of our time (not the ailing giant, the newer, trendy one – naming no names). She
treated me to pens, a diary, a ring binder and, of course, a new snazzy pencil
case. Lucky, lucky me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-lOi4G1yWsnI/WCcyJ6IzmKI/AAAAAAABdE4/0JCD_veGfRkuayh8G9RYRKOCCu7lh30GACLcB/s1600/IMG_3608.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-lOi4G1yWsnI/WCcyJ6IzmKI/AAAAAAABdE4/0JCD_veGfRkuayh8G9RYRKOCCu7lh30GACLcB/s200/IMG_3608.JPG" width="150" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Unicorn pencil case</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">The pencil
case is amazing; my teen self would have loved it. Bright, sparkly and it has a
water-filled front with plastic unicorns, rainbows, flowers and stars that seem
to dance about in their fluid-filled home. Truly an emblem of optimism and joy,
if a frivolous one. I’m just having to hide it from my daughter as she’d have
it off me in seconds.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">The upside
of this lovely trip is that I am now ‘getting organised.’ Taking that crucial
step that marks a transition point forwards. A first preparatory stepping stone
that forms the foundation for traversing any unchartered territory, taking on
any fight, and swatting-up mentally for any new experience. This approach is
how I’ve formerly dealt with acquiring and training a puppy (sadly not part of
my childhood experiences), preparing for pregnancy, labour and child-rearing, have
considered jobs and careers, planned parties and weddings…and now it will doubtless
serve me well for fighting cancer too.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Amen for
stationery, and for my friend that nudged me into realising how important ‘getting
organised’ is. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">But whilst
writing this I’ve also been reminded of further memories, travelling in India
and working in East Africa. I remember being advised to give stationery, not
sweets (or money), to interested children...and adults, and so I took crayons,
biros and notepads rather than caramels, black jacks and nerds. These trifles
that I dispensed were received with great glee and appreciation, and I recall
cursing that I hadn’t brought more.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">In the UK I
take stationery for granted. So much so that I’m ashamed to say the basic biro
has been banished from my house in favour of its rather more flamboyant cousin,
the gel pen. The boring wide-ruled notepad has been replaced by the
leather-bound journal complete with inspirational cover quote, as a jotter for
my daily thoughts. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Whilst I
have always, and will always, love ‘good’ stationery, I’m left with the
realisation that many people don’t have access to even the basic versions, and
these tools so crucial to education and learning, which are the real gateways
to opportunity and social mobility are sadly lacking in so much of the world.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">No pressure
to act, but I’ve just take 5 mins to google this and whilst <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><a href="http://www.pensforkids.co.uk/index.html">Pens for Kids</a> </i>are doubtless not the only
option, it looks like they might do what I’ve mentioned in the UK and abroad,
dispensing stationery to those that need it. It may mean one less stocking
present for my kids, but they’ll never know and it will have no impact on their
lives at all. On the flipside, for an unknown stranger or two my small donation
could mean the world. Worth a thought as we countdown to the season of giving? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">For those
of you in big corporate jobs take a look at <a href="http://www.inkinddirect.org/about/what_we_do">In kind direct</a>. You all know how much stationery and equipment gets wasted as
logos change and technology moves on. Wish I’d known about this before.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Now I don’t
want my blog to get preachy, but sometimes when times are rough, thinking about
others who are worse off, who have needs and circumstances so much more
pressing and fundamental than mine, is a wonderful reminder of how lucky I
really am. It’s also a kick up the behind to provoke me to stay positive,
appreciate what I do have, and maybe to do a very little something for someone
else once in a while. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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Name="Body Text First Indent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Block Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Hyperlink"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="FollowedHyperlink"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="22" QFormat="true" Name="Strong"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="20" QFormat="true" Name="Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Document Map"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Plain Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="E-mail Signature"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Top of Form"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Bottom of Form"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Normal (Web)"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Acronym"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Address"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Cite"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Code"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Definition"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Keyboard"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Preformatted"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Sample"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Typewriter"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Variable"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Normal Table"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="annotation subject"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="No List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Contemporary"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Elegant"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Professional"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Subtle 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Subtle 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Balloon Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="Table Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Theme"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Placeholder Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" QFormat="true" Name="No Spacing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Revision"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="34" QFormat="true"
Name="List Paragraph"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="29" QFormat="true" Name="Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="30" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" QFormat="true"
Name="Subtle Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" QFormat="true"
Name="Subtle Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Bibliography"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="41" Name="Plain Table 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="42" Name="Plain Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="43" Name="Plain Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="44" Name="Plain Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="45" Name="Plain Table 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="40" Name="Grid Table Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="Grid Table 1 Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52" Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="List Table 1 Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="List Table 6 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52" Name="List Table 7 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 4"/>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">This doesn’t
mean I’m donating my unicorn pencil case I hasten to add, (am still too selfish
and whilst I’ve only had it a day or two I am now emotionally attached to it as
a mascot in my cancer fight). But it does mean I’ll be ordering some stationery
from Amazon and sending it to Pens for Kids. Thanks to my uni friend, I feel my
life and ‘fight’ is a little more organised and positive, so if I can help
someone else with that too, then I think I should.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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